A Year Later…

I am by nature a very sentimental person and therefore I find value in the smallest of things- like anniversaries of moving back home after 2 years, not getting accepted for a visa, you asking me to get back together after having breaking my heart, etc.

There is so much for me to celebrate and be grateful for this year basically, because I survived the last. I survived it and a year later, we’re moving into our 2nd place in the city, I am giving workshops (whether or not people see me fit for it), I am 1/4 ambassadors for this season’s sale (wow) and I just gave you a print out explaining why I was mad at you last night. I am so extra, I know.

A year ago, I remember sitting down, broken hearted on the kitchen table wondering if this was the best my life was going to get and as I look back, I realize how little I thought of myself back them. I thought that I was just going to move back and somehow, finally fit into the mold of what I what people expected me to be. I thought, well, I fucked up so much already- let’s not disappoint the masses- but I was so wrong. So pleasantly wrong.

And so to sum everything up (because call time is at 10 and it is now 9:15), I am extremely grateful to the universe for putting me where I had to be exactly when I had to be there. It is truly in the darkness where we find ourselves and all those other shit people say which is absolutely poetic and stupid at the same time.

It absolutely hurts to remember the hurt sometimes but I like to think that the hurt is good every once in a while especially when we forget to be grateful or loving or grateful. or grateful. I hate remembering these things but I have to but I try my best to do with a happy heart these days.

Happy moving back to Cebu anniversary, Issa. Remember all the things you were so scared of before? well, they’re not so scary anymore.

in the grander scheme of things, you’d know that when I’m mad I like to walk around aimlessly- to anywhere, nowhere wondering myself where.

in the grander scheme of things, you’d find me and know what was wrong because you were the wrong and you’d know how to make it right.

in the grander scheme of things. I like that line. I thought about it while I was walking down dangerous roads wondering if you’d ever show up.

but instead you were laying flat faced on the bed waiting for me to come home. because I always fucking come home.

Dear Irene

You’ve been popping up a lot of my memories lately- photos, banters, an exchange of good conversations and the like.

I always wonder what would’ve happened if the worse never happened- what kind of things we would do, passions we would turn into projects and burgers we would eat like we said but never really got to.

I think about you quite often even if we weren’t childhood friends or kabarkada. You were always someone who I looked up to and a lot of good memories I have were because of you. And so dear friend, I am always mourning for you.

I wanted to leave a comment on a beautiful memory but I knew you wouldn’t reply so I left it as what it was- a memory. But I were to, it would’ve been along the lines of “I MISS THIS! Let’s do it again soon!” as you would eagerly reply to with, “YES! When I’m back in Cebu!”

That’s the thing with memories- sometimes they haunt you and sometimes they leave you missing for things you never really knew you had.

I hope you’re doing fine wherever you are. I hope you found what you were looking for. And I hope in your passing, you knew that I was always your friend.

You are always missed.

I am so incredibly tormented by the thoughts that I have when I am not controlling them. The dreams I have trouble waking up from. That constant nagging fear and obsession with trying to figure out why they are what they are and where they’re coming from.

I am afraid to close my eyes. I am suddenly so afraid of a million things and I don’t know where they are coming from.

Guess Where I Found Myself Today…

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I am so blessed, I have no reason whatsoever to compare & complain.

Thank you, Lord, for my voice/ my thoughts that you think are worthy for others to hear, for the endless opportunities and for constantly making my life better.

A year ago, I was praying for a better life- you gave me more than I deserve.

Thank you.

Barbie Dog

Your eyes, that annoying way you breathe, the way you didn’t like to snuggle when we got you but eventually learned to love, your doggy bag and how you loved it so much, how you hated dogs but you loved people, your dumb dumb ways, how you always couldn’t wait to get in the car, that time I shaved you like a lion and how you wouldn’t come out from under the bed for days, the way you would hide in my shoe closet and 5 1/2 years of you being the best dog anyone could ask for.

I love you, barbie girl, barbie dog, bebe bawbee, our little princess. I wish you didn’t leave me too soon. 😦

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11:11

it was 11:11 and I suddenly had the urge to ask the universe for one last favor- that you wouldn’t stop loving me… again.

Weird what we wish for sometimes.

Weird-er what our greatest fears are.

Samoka

It’s god knows what time and I’m waking you up in this sudden need of quenching.

“Give me water! Give me water! UHAW KAAYO KO!”And then I fall right back to sleep.

But there you are, thinking it’s the most important thing in world and there I am, lying almost lifeless, back in my slumber and there you are again, trying to get me to drink water.

It’s early in the morning and we’re laughing about it in the loo. We’re silly creatures, we don’t remember things but we’ll always remember laughing at the dumb stuff.

We’re at a club rn and I wanna crawl into bed with you again.

I used to fear the evenings and falling asleep because i might never wake up but now the nights are my favorite simply because they are always spent next to you.

Never wake me up for water, ok? Only I’m allowed to do that. 😂

It’s Slow and Beautiful Chaos

3 workshops (and hopefully counting…) in a span of a month, my presentations have gone awol on me so I am left to start from scratch, I haven’t answered my emails in 3 days and it’s making me very anxious as I hate having unread and unanswered mail, events for the next 3 days, meetings with clients, a delivery (!!) a flight to cdo for the labor day weekend and a wedding, NO ITINERARY YET (THIS IS MAKING ME ANXIOUS. I NEED TO KNOW!!), looking forward to meeting a few content creators while I’m there and a suitcase that I still need to pack and clothes I still have to buy.

Despite all this chaos, I am taking the time to write to you, to come back to you- my favorite place on earth. Honestly, if it weren’t for you, I don’t think I would be here right now. I don’t think my life would be this beautifully, amazingly chaotic if not for you.

I am grateful more and more each day.

Thank you.