Back from CHURCH CAMP

               OMGOSH, this feels good. J

             I totally
missed blogging for a week but I don’t know; now I’m just too lazy to write. I
kinda wanna let the whole thing to just slip and like not write it down but I
feel the need to. I think remembering’ll be really fun. And besides, one day I
could look back at this. It’ll be something good to read.

             Well, the
whole experience was really something. Aside from the fact that I went to renew
my spiritual relationship with the big guy, the whole trip also revolved around
this one guy who made the whole 5 days more amazing than it already was. And
guess what? I get to keep him this time 😀

             p.s.
thank you, god! Cuz yeah, just in case you were wondering, that’s what I was praying for. 😉

             Ok, so
you guys ready? HAHAHA. Get set, GOOO! [ewk]

             MONDAY :

            [p.s. don’t even bother about the
dates cuz like, yeah. I have no idea]

            So
Monday… Monday was weird cuz like, I didn’t know if I was excited that I was
going or if I was scared that I’d have a really bad time. But I was still
rushing to get out of the house anyways. Like I said, mom’s voice literally
does sound like nails on a chalkboard sometimes. Most of the time.

            So yeah,
when I got there I was just a mess. Like, I guess you could say I was a major
bitch cuz like, I just threw my stuff on the floor [one big bag; my orange
school bag and two pillows] and grabbed a chair and just sat there with a big
DO NOT BOTHER sign on my forehead. Lol. I wasn’t exactly in a socializing mood.
So whatever. But it was really cool though cuz James showed up [honestly, I
wasn’t expecting him to actually show up even after the
6 am wake up call] and to my surprise,
Caesar showed up pa gyud. So it was cool. That moment I felt that I wasn’t
alone nor was I going to be alone.
J

             The trip
to carcar was long and hot.  We rode the
bus pa gyud and we were at the very back and the sun was shinning like, woah.
Haha. Me and James talked most of the way there but I’d usually space out to
sleep or to concentrate on a song with my ipod. And as usual, I didn’t even
bother sharing it with James until the end of the trip. Even if we were holding
hands during most of the trip going there. Hehe. Remember, only GOD will judge
me.

             The
people on the bus were scary though. They looked like squats. You know, just
the kind of people you don’t wanna leave your stuff hanging around with. Yeah,
them. But we were in for a very rude awakening. God works?

             So when
we got there we had to wait around til around
1:30 before eating lunch. It was kinda
weird though cuz I ate with the guys and you know, that’s jus something I’m not
used to doing. Hehe. Girls. Yeah, guilty ;D wait, I AM used to eating with
guys. So lemme rephrase that. I wasn’t used to eating with James and Caesar.

             Well,
after that we got assigned to our rooms. I bunked with Bambam, my theresian
lover. The other girls in my dorm were from other churches I didn’t really
bother asking for their names. I guess I’m just like that. I know some of them
though. Just don’t ask me to name them. I know them by face. HAHA.

             So yeah,
we had team building games. See, cuz we got placed in different teams [green,
red, yellow, blue] I got placed in green, I think. Me and Caesar were group
mates the same with rejoice, althea, JM,
Roy and I forgot whoelse.

             Well, the
first night was still kinda weird though cuz you know, it being the first day
and all plus no one really know anybody at that point so of course it was
weird. But the night was worse.

             Well, the
devotions weren’t weird. They were nice. James taught me how to sing and clap
my hands 😀 well, he didn’t exactly teach me. He kinda pushed me. But not in a
bad way, you know? The kind of push I needed. God knows I’m thankful
J

             I didn’t
sleep at all! It was just soo hot. Ijust kept on tossing and turning and
scratching! Yeah, I’ve been doing that a lot. My whole body is full of itch
marks. It’s gross.

 Tuesday:

 Tuesday was definitely better. I
mean aside from falling asleep in the clubhouse, it was cool. Pastor Roy helped
us go through the entire old testament. We had to do these narly actions.

 Creation

Fall

Flood

Nations

400 years

and that’s the only thing I
remember. I suck, I know.

            That
pretty much the only thing I remember. Except for those really good moments I
had where me and James would be sitting and listening to Pastor Roy and he’d
squeeze my hand or leg and I’d just feel warm all over. Those moments were to
die for. I’m writing it down, babe. No one reads this anyways so we’re safe 😉

            Oh and
yeah, Tuesday was the day this girl, Rechelle asked me if I was BOYISH. That
just sucked. Haha. I mean, I know I don’t act like a complete girl but to the
point of being boyish? That was just soo frustrating. Insecurity kick much?

            Wednesday:

            Eevrybody
was friends by Wednesday. The squats weren’t bad at all. Yeah, they did have
interesting lives but they were soo inspiring. I’m never going to forget them.
Like, [ok,  don’t rem. His name but I’ll
remember him as a person!] he was a vigilante or something basta, he killed A
LOT of people and he even died for 3 hours or something but dude, once he
talked about God, ambot. Makahilak jud ka. Haha. He was good. And he’s soo
lucky.

            Wednesday..
I really don’t remember what happened 😀

          Thursday:

          I think this is the day i woke up from the guys making harana. it was cute. well, i don’t really remember much. maybe that or the time is just making me forget. lol.

          oh wait, thursday was the day our parents dropped by. by our i mean, mine, james, gayles, ron ron’s and a lot of other peoples parents. i don’t know if they went to see our presentations or if they went just for the sake of you know, eavesdropping but anyways they did.

          but at least they left before the good parts. my god, i’m never going to forget that night because it was then i knew what i needed and the answers i needed to know. That night, i could say that god touched my life and i hope i’ve changed.

       no more details. i’m tired and this blog is old!

stop pushing me aside!

i just have to blog like hell before i go. i just have to. sigrid told me all these horrible stuff about church camp and i swear, i don’t know if it’s church camp or boot camp.

things sigrid said:
* no mobiles during jesus time – ok, i don’t have to follow ALL the rules, do i?
* a lot of crying – argh, matey. i bet i’ll crack first. what an absolute shame
* shower time basically turns into a rat race. you have shower on and shower off times. you have to wake up hellah early to shower first and i bet it’s not even hot water. DAMN IT!
* you have to wash your own plate and utensils after eating. and it’s packed food – holy mother.
* it’s hot
* but it’s fun daw. DAW. isang malaking DAW.

i’ve always had a thing against pastors wives but i was texting judy earlier and she was very nice to me. maybe it’s cuz she see’s i’m taking an effort in joining this church thingy. and i guess it’ll be ayt cuz lagz’ll be there. [but i told him i’m going there single. no pretend boyfriends this week. he is just not my type] but then there’s pastor bo’s wife. god, i hope she suffocates or something. and i say this with a light heart. i’m not really mad or annoyed at her, i just think it would be really cool to see her choke and maybe die even. haha. i’m evil.

i’m done packing now. *finally* it took the whole afternoon to pack and i’ve brought 3/4 of my cabinet with me. 5 days is a long time, you seriously can’t blame me. and yeah, i’m bringing two bags. and 2 pillows. one for me and one for lagz.

i know what i’ll be praying for there and you guys already know it.

i’m soo predictable.

my last meal for the week was absoltuley heavenly. i had yellow cab. it was like my dying wish, to eat there before i have to eat hahaha church camp food. i don’t mean to sound like a bitch but yeah, i’m not exactly familiar with what to call it. who knows, maybe when i get back, i’ll be a changed person. who knows. maybe… hahaha. maybe not.

i’m just really full of mixed emotions right now. like, i don’t know why i’m going so i’m not going to expect anything either. i just know that i’m going to be away for 5 days and i might as well expect the worse. i just hope the people there are bearable and that i meet good friends. no gaby’s , please.

everyone is leaving this week though. it’s like, let’s run away from cebu week or something. niña might go to hong kong this week but just for a few days and my better half is going to manila and tacloban and bagiou and EVERYWHERE for a whole month and i didn’t even get to say good bye to them. life is very random, indeed.

and i can prove this, really. i mean, i woke up this morning tearring up real bad cuz no one in my family even bothered to wake me up to go to church. yeah, i was really hurt. i mean, i woke up and saw my family racing to the car to go pray to god and they didn’t even bother to wake me up. it was really bad. i mean, i actually felt that they didn’t want me around cuz i don’t know.. i’m not an actual Perez. oh sigh. i’m over it.

out of total rage i raided their closets and ate like hell. i turned the computer, tv, aircon and fan on all at once and watched sixth sense and didn’t even bother greeting them when they got home. PAY BACK, BITCHES! [yeah, i’ve realized i’m not exactly the best step/ daughter in the whole world but that’s just how i am. i demand for my own place]

and then when i DO start talking to momy she brings up the church camp. she says i should go cuz i’ve been turning them down for years and cuz i don’t exactly go to church and that i need guidance [which btw, is THEIR job] and that i should go. and by should that meant, it’s either i jus shut up and go or i’m going to make you feel like shit if you don’t. and idk, my mom’s voice just started to get REALLY annoying so after asking everyone on my ym list and sun distribution list if could go, i decided that i WOULD go. aircon or no aircon. despite i’d miss tennis for a whole week. and even if that means i’d be missing the mall.

hey, it could do me some good. i’m taking a risk. if i can’t take a risk at “love” then i’ll take it for more imp. things. my fate.

awh. bet you think i was gonna get all senti, din’t you? hell no.

i’m gonna miss blogging and i’m gonna die if there’s no signal.

atay oie. 5 days feels like FOREVER.

i have to finish princess diaries II now. i’ll see you in a week.

[p.s. i was just kidding about pastor bo’s wife dying. but i still pray she’d choke]
[p.s.s. please dear god, please PLEASE PLEASE let me hear from him while i’m away. let him sweep me away and say something like, hey i miss you or better, let him phone me. his voice is awhhh.. to die for </3]

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT:

I, Jean Louise I. Chua,
I will be out of town for 5 days at CHURCH CAMP somewhere in the
province of CARCAR. Where ever the hell that might be.
Whose idea was this?
i cannot say.

What’s the purpose?
Well, what do YOU think,  juvenille delinquent?

i’m very bad at living

if god was grading the way i lived, i bet i’d very easily FAIL simply because, OMG, I suck at life and i doubt i’m ever going to get better at it. I need an instruction manual. i need insructions on a box.

and i also think i’ve failed every girl code in the world. i feel like a 13 year old. ignorant. very ignorant. why now, G? why NOW!?

i must remember that every time i run into someone i like, i should NEVER EVER stop in my tracks and turn away running or in my case, speed walking. especially if that person was starring at me with my jaw hanging on the floor. and then stalk him endlessly and waste P120.00 just to be in the same dark room with him and not even have him know it. i am such a loser with a 13 year olds problem. i feel soo bad. it’s like, i forgot what i was supposed to do. cuz honestly, when i saw him, i didn’t want to pretend that i didn’t see him, i didn’t want to walk by with my head up laughing pretending not to see him but making sure that HE saw me. i just froze for a second and ran away in the opposite direction. i didn’t want him to see me but i really wanted to be with him.

i can’t stop replaying it in my mind right now. i feel soo dumb. the dumbest.

and again, i was singled out.

did i feel bad? yes, very. but i don’t know. i’ll have to deal.

i predict bad karma for 7 years even if i didn’t break a mirror.

btw, i’m planning to consult feng shui, maybe everyhing in my room is not in it’s proper place maybe i’m putting impurites in the north; relationship part of my room. [yeah, i’m reading dates, mates and cosmic kisses]

I’M DYING

very serious

issa: i’m taking the survey VERY
seriously. HAHA

1. “Gusto kita kya lang mahal ko pa
xa…”
– just tell me straight. i’m not good
enough to be with you.

2. “mahal ko kayong dalawa”
– yeah, and you also love your dick.
what’s your point?

3. “sorry. ndi n kita mahal eh.”
– yeah, you’re just saying that now cuz
you’re tired of me. but just you wait,
cowboy.

4. “ikw me kasalanan kung bat tau
ngkaganito..”
– yeah, and I’m also the reason why the
sky is blue and why dogs bark too, aren’t i?

5. “ikw mahal ko. ndi ko mahal gf/bf
ko.”
– really?1 so explain to me again why
you’re with HER and not with me?!

6. “i think i’m falling for u..”
– fall lang dira.

7. “bkt ngaun k lang dumating s buhay
ko?”
– ikaw? nganu karun raman sad ka naabot?

8. “kelangan ko ng space..”
– then if that’s what you want then
you’ll get it!

9. “sorry pero tapos n tau.”
– karun pa ka? ka late gud nimo.

10. “Kaibigan ko xa. ayokong mag-away
kami ng dahil sayo..”
– pag pinatyanay nalang diay mo? HAHAHA.
no, seriously, don’t. i’ll do you a
favor, i’m OUT.

11. “Ano b talaga gus2 mong palabasin?”
– mahirap to, ah. lol
na mahal kita, GAGO!

12. “bukas na lang tayo mg-usap. pg-
iisipan ko muna.”
– no, what ever it is you’re thinking
right now, i wanna hear it RIGHT NOW.

13. “sana maging masaya k s kanya..”
– yeah cuz he makes me happier than
you’ll be able to make me.

14. “bat ndi pwedeng maging tau?”
– because it takes 2 people who like
each other to be in a rel. and sorry
but.. we just don’t qualify

15. “nagseselos ako…”
– awh. now you know how it feels like.

16. “mahal mo p b ako?”
– what do YOU think?

17. “sorry na oh…pls..
– i want jewelry.

18. “mahal n kita…”
– na?nganu, gahapon diay? wa?!

19. “Mahihintay m b ako?”
– you’re not worth MY time.

20. “Pano kya kung tau pa?”
– then i’d be in a relationship not
worth being in.

21. “Patunayan mong mahal mo ko…
– isn’t what i’ve been doing ENOUGH?!

22. “Gimmick tau”
– id prefer, you wanna hang out sometime
but.. ok.

23. “Pwedeng makuha # mo?”
– why?

24.”In love ako sayo…”
– thank you?

25. “Pwede ktang twagan mamaya?”
– depends. if i’m into you, i’ll be free
tonight. if i’m not, i plan to be sick
tonight.

26. “Aalis GF/BF ko sa Saturday…
pwede ka ba?”
– sorry, i’m better than that.

27. “kamusta araw mo?”
– regualar. what significance does it
have in YOUR life?

28. “sorry kung Hindi ako nktxt sau..
la n Kong credits eh..
– sure, whatever.

29. “Buti nlng nkilala kita…”
– yeah, i tend to have such a grat
effect in people’s lives. HAHAH.

30. “ano cel# mo?”
– ask someone else.

just another one of those monthly episodes

ever since i finished reading “diary of a crush” i’ve been having weird episodes where i’m manning everyone and acting over the top and all princessy. why? i don’t know. PMS, i guess. or maybe because i just thought that i could and yeah, i did. haha. i even got the courage to e-mail my aunt and dad tons of links and pictures of things i want from the states. i also noted in that email that i HAD to get that and that i loved them. haha. i told my dad i loved him. how odd and desperate of me.

i swear to god i almost died today. tennis is murder. we stand in a line of 17 people [at the most] and wait to smack a couple of balls [you’re lucky if you get a 3rd round] and then you get back in line again. how is that supposed to help me improve anything? and then i think we’re running out of things to talk about with the girls at tennis or i’m just having really bad PMS now and i’m withdrawing myself from anything living and breathing. and then since i never get contented from simply waiting in line i stay at san case til past 12 to pla with dane [tennis mate] and when i get home, i eat and go straight to work. and occasionally fall asleep in my moms chair.

i need rest. i need a life. i need money. and NO, i don’t need a boyfriend. haha. somehow, i never fail to bring that up.

speaking of. i really wanna talk about this because i’m dying to spill my heart out. yes, i told you guys, it IS one of those days.

so yesterday i was at chab’s and chab ran off with ken and nina and seno were having alone time which i did not want to be caught in the middle of which made me feeling very “unfabulous” ish. i was yet again, in one of those paseo moments were it seemed like one of those things you hear your parents or councilors or people of tv talking about or those situations you’ve read about in books. i’ve hardly grown up. i have a lot of learning to do.

you know that peer pressure talk? well, i’m already finding ways to tell my daighter about it. if i ever have one, that is. and i’m going to make it as detailed as possible cuz i came to a realization yesterday that even though i no one likes me the way a guy likes nina or chab, i’m not going to go AWOL and throw myself on the first single guy out there. instead, i’m going to wait and focus on other things. i don’t wanna be in a desperate relationship… ever. i just want to be in love. simple as that no matter how long i have to wait and no matter how much it hurts. i NEVER wanna sell myself short and that’s just it. it’s either i’m in love or i’m focusiing on tennis. cuz that’s obviously the only thing i can ever talk about these days. yes, i’m commited.

i’m still very uneasy right now. i’m gathering my thoughts and trying to fiure out what i really want and i’m also trying to figure out why the hell do i keep pushing people i care about away from me and also, i’m trying to find a way to solve world hunger and a cure for HIV. just because when i’m free, i plan to be very promiscuous and get HIV or an STD. haha. I’M SOOOO KIDDING.

so ,i’m done.i want kevin to read this like, NOW. for some reason, whenever i blog, i always consider kevin. could it be some secret love i have for him hidden deep within myself that he’ll never know of? hahaha. or maybe it’s cuz i know that he’s the ONLY person who reads this shit.

princess issa
xxxxxx

sick

i feel really sick right now. there’s food right in front of me but i feel like i’m going to puke it out anyways. i took a 2 hour nap and for some reason i keep thinking that something’s going to happen at 8 or that i should be in front of the tv by that time. hahaha. no idea.

i feel like i’m drunk but i haven’t even been drinking!

sick sick sick

THIS is how you make my heart stop beating

daaady Chua: hi sush
issadog_102890: hey sush
issadog_102890: haha
issadog_102890: hey dad
issadog_102890: what’s up?
daaady Chua: sush, i got my greencard na
daaady Chua: the actual greencard na gyud
issadog_102890: really? wow!
issadog_102890: so, when’re you coming home?
daaady Chua: i’ve been wanting sometime this year
daaady Chua: just saving up some money
issadog_102890: so, will yoiu be coming home with leah and the kids too??
issadog_102890: or just you/
daaady Chua: with everyone
daaady Chua: but when business grows at a stable level, ill be coming back and forth more often especially with doing business there
issadog_102890: really?
issadog_102890: mas nindot diay
daaady Chua: hopefully like 5 times a year or more.
daaady Chua: so we get to spend time more often na sush
issadog_102890: hehe
issadog_102890: that sounds really nice
issadog_102890: i can’t wait
daaady Chua: me too 

**awkward silnce**

i feel like i had to say that i was excited and that i couldn’t wait to see him not cuz i was but cuz i didn’t wanna tell him the truth that i’m feeling nothing but scared. 11 long years is hard to make up for and right now, i just don’t know what i’m going to do anymore. like, when he comes, what’ll we do? what’ll we talk about. it’s just very terrifying and how will papa act? i feel like i’m complicating my family’s life right now. i don’t wanna be in this situation. i don’t want my papa to feel inferior or like i’ll replace him because i can’t but i do wanna spend time with my dad. i’m just…. OMG. i’m soo lost right now.

heart break 101 [LOL]

here i am again. sob. i don’t know. haha.

ok, so francis is at it again.

dear God,
    if you can hear me, now’s the perfect time to make my life easier. PLEASE make that boy disappear! I just don’t need to hear from him right now.

AMEN


yeah, it’s Francis AGAIN. haha. i don’t know but everytime i hear from him on friendster or whatever, i just get really pissed off. basically because he just doesn’t get it. i don’t want to hear from him because, i’m done saying whatever it is i needed to say to him and i’m pretty sure he is so WHY is he still trying to contact me. it’s not a matter of me being assuming or jumping to the conclusion of him wanting another shot with me. it’s just that, i just don’t appreciate it right now cuz if i remember correctly, and i think i do, i made it very clear to him that i had no business with him and he shouldn’t either.

so, why now? is this like, a test or something? cuz you, among everyone else know what i want and he just isn’t it. and even if i don’t get what i want.. he still woudln’t be an option. haha. he is soo far from the reality that i want and the reality that i need.

and i’m gone.

yo, brothah