well, it feels like forever

my god, how long has it been? i’ve been dying to blog in like, FOREVER! soo much stuff has happened that i kinda lost track of all the things i wanted to write about in the past few weeks/ days or my god, seriously, HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?

did i mention that i have a new phone?

and i won 2nd runner up for ms. agham [that thing i HAD to join]

james met my extended family [grandmother, grandfather, tito and tita tina]

we hit 5!!Ü

and then we fought that day. soo sad. but we’re ok now.

i joined the district meet and i won. i’m the singles champion for district V.
i’m on my way to the cebu city oympics. yeah, boy!!

and what else?

oh yeah, STC Intramurals. so much school stuff to do PLUS our intrams that’s coming up and i’m soo behind from skipping too many classes and shit. rarr.

i’d love to update more but yeah, i’m busy. still. 😦

entertain yourselves.

here.

Advertisements

the two worst thoughts in the world

the thought that there is really no one you can trust in this world and the thought [or feeling] of regret.

those are the worst. and i’ve been thinking about both the whole day.
* god, enlighten me.

ok let me start…

so yeah, i guess i’m really REALLY beginning to realize that you really can’t trust anyone. no matter how many times they tell you that you can or no matter how much you think you can because the reality that i now choose to believe is that, there realy is no such thing as “trust”.

i don’t know much about trust. the only thing i know about it is that i trust you with my heart and i hope that’s enough.

i wrote that a few months ago for james and i’m thinking about it now and i’m thinking… maybe it’s not so much on the “trusting” him with my heart but it’s more about the giving it to him and hoping and counting that he knows what he’s supposed to do with it.

i am simply in denial about the entire exitense of such a thing called “trust”

but yeah. what is trust, really? telling someone something and knowing that that person would keep it to him or herself until the day he/she died? or at least until it was safe to speak out? because that’s impossible and i can enumerate a lot of reasons why this is so.

one is simply because people have the inabiity to STFU.

so who is there to tell all our secrets and fears and wishes and dreams to?

[note: james is excluded from all these ques.]

i learned recently that i have to be very careful about the things i choose to tell people. i also learned that the older you get, the less trust worthy you become.

but whatever. the secret’s out and there’s really no point in keeping it in anyways.

tonight mommy asked me if i regretted transferring to mmch.

i said,

“all the time.”

but really. i’m still kinda confused if i regret it or not. mmch isn’t such a bad place to be in. i guess.

i can’t lie. i miss it there soo soo much. that place, those walls – they feel like home to me. it reminds me of who i used to be and it reminds me of so many experiences in my life that i’m never going to forget – ever. it’s like, i compare it to my school now and it is so easy for me to conclude that i am never going to remember mmch as much as i’m going to remember stc. and i’m a girl so it’s no suprise that i’m so sentimental about that place.

and it’s been 3 years already and i’ve hardly gotten over this.

so, do i regret it? i really want to say yes, i do but then i want to live a life where i don’t have to have any regrets.i want to live a life where i am able to say that i made my own decisions and whether i am truly happy or not, it has molded me into a better person.

but screw that. hell yeah, i guess i do regret moving.

don’t get me wrong, i love my new friends but being left behind from all that high school drama and being able to be with my friends everyday until i’m practically sick of their faces is something i really miss. and i guess i miss it because it doesn’t matter where i go, i know that i’m never going to find another group of people like them. and to be deprived of that opportunity really does make you regret.

sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i stayed. and i’m scared to think that if i did stay, i’d be the same rotten girl i used to be when i was there. i’m scared that if i chose to stay, i’d still be lost and confused and hurting. and i look at the situation i’m in now and i can’t help but feel a little bit more secure than i’ve ever been before.

high school should just end right now, you know? so i wouldn’t have to be feeling this way. so i wouldn’t feel so rotten and pms striken.

i swear. i hate being a girl sometimes.

geez.

i’m done moping.

XoXo.

[because hugs are better than kisses]

the two worst thoughts in the world

the thought that there is really no one you can trust in this world and the thought [or feeling] of regret.

those are the worst. and i’ve been thinking about both the whole day.
* god, enlighten me.

ok let me start…

so yeah, i guess i’m really REALLY beginning to realize that you really can’t trust anyone. no matter how many times they tell you that you can or no matter how much you think you can because the reality that i now choose to believe is that, there realy is no such thing as “trust”.

i don’t know much about trust. the only thing i know about it is that i trust you with my heart and i hope that’s enough.

i wrote that a few months ago for james and i’m thinking about it now and i’m thinking… maybe it’s not so much on the “trusting” him with my heart but it’s more about the giving it to him and hoping and counting that he knows what he’s supposed to do with it.

i am simply in denial about the entire exitense of such a thing called “trust”

but yeah. what is trust, really? telling someone something and knowing that that person would keep it to him or herself until the day he/she died? or at least until it was safe to speak out? because that’s impossible and i can enumerate a lot of reasons why this is so.

one is simply because people have the inabiity to STFU.

so who is there to tell all our secrets and fears and wishes and dreams to?

[note: james is excluded from all these ques.]

i learned recently that i have to be very careful about the things i choose to tell people. i also learned that the older you get, the less trust worthy you become.

but whatever. the secret’s out and there’s really no point in keeping it in anyways.

tonight mommy asked me if i regretted transferring to mmch.

i said,

“all the time.”

but really. i’m still kinda confused if i regret it or not. mmch isn’t such a bad place to be in. i guess.

i can’t lie. i miss it there soo soo much. that place, those walls – they feel like home to me. it reminds me of who i used to be and it reminds me of so many experiences in my life that i’m never going to forget – ever. it’s like, i compare it to my school now and it is so easy for me to conclude that i am never going to remember mmch as much as i’m going to remember stc. and i’m a girl so it’s no suprise that i’m so sentimental about that place.

and it’s been 3 years already and i’ve hardly gotten over this.

so, do i regret it? i really want to say yes, i do but then i want to live a life where i don’t have to have any regrets.i want to live a life where i am able to say that i made my own decisions and whether i am truly happy or not, it has molded me into a better person.

but screw that. hell yeah, i guess i do regret moving.

don’t get me wrong, i love my new friends but being left behind from all that high school drama and being able to be with my friends everyday until i’m practically sick of their faces is something i really miss. and i guess i miss it because it doesn’t matter where i go, i know that i’m never going to find another group of people like them. and to be deprived of that opportunity really does make you regret.

sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i stayed. and i’m scared to think that if i did stay, i’d be the same rotten girl i used to be when i was there. i’m scared that if i chose to stay, i’d still be lost and confused and hurting. and i look at the situation i’m in now and i can’t help but feel a little bit more secure than i’ve ever been before.

high school should just end right now, you know? so i wouldn’t have to be feeling this way. so i wouldn’t feel so rotten and pms striken.

i swear. i hate being a girl sometimes.

geez.

i’m done moping.

XoXo.

[because hugs are better than kisses]

the scare factor

last summer, me and gerlie were chatting and i randomly started our random conversation just like any other random conversation i had that day/night/something. you know, with an “what’s up?” [or something. you get the idea. you’re not retarded. or at least i hope you’re not. lol] and then she told me she was looking at this website where people expose their secrets but in a really interesting way, though. they make pictures about their secrets and then they submit it to the administrator and then that person posts them, i guess. it was a really interesting site. [ i just forgot the website. i have to ask her again. soon. i’ll really try to remember.]


but yeah. anyways, there were tons of secrets about prandom people that were really interesting, the pictures especially. but among those pictures, there was one that was pretty boring for me but it caught my attention not because of the picture but because it had something written on it that just felt so real and so piercing that i knew that i had to keep save it. because i could relate. [aha! that was straight to the point. i didn’t have to add pretty words to it either. go issa!]



it’s actually kinda pornographic for me, too. lol. but yeah, i just love it and i guess i’m posting it [w/o permission, btw. HAHA] because i know that a lot of other girls [and guys, proli] can relate, too. because as much as i want to be the sarcastic little *itch that i’ve learned to love oh-so-much, i can’t deny that for the longest time, i wanted everyone to believe that i hated love or that i didn’t believe in it. i wanted people to think that i was too good for it or i wanted them to think that i thought it was overrtaed or that if there was such a thing as love, it wasn’t for me. i wanted to be the person who didn’t value relationships the way girls did simply because i was tired of getting hurt and i was tired of liking [maybe even loving]  someone who wouldn’t give that kind of love back.

but the truth is, the more i kept making people believe that, the more hungry i became. the more i craved for it and the more hurt i became because that thing i wanted, that little piece of sweetness in my life just wasn’t coming for me. and if it was, it wasn’t going in the right direction.

and the thing is, the more you say you don’t want something like that, the reality is, that in the inside, you’ve never wanted anything more. and that’s just it. and i guess you guys know what i mean.

but then, i guess i got lucky because someone did prove me wrong. [and i won’t say who. as if it wasn’t obvious enough. pffft.] i guess there was one person who felt exactly the same way i did and felt like he was that person who was going to make me believe it even if maybe he didn’t at first. i guess there was this person who knew exactly what i wanted and knew that he was supposed to give it to me no matter how crazy it would seem for us or for everyone else. [not like i care but yeah. lol]

and i’ve learned that when you’re busted – dude, you’re busted and there’s just no getting out of it. and i got busted. but look at me now, i’ve never been happier [despite all the **** [ii can’t help it] i’ve been through already]

i guess i learned that when you’re there and you know it’s your time to be wrong and it’s your time to be proven wrong, the best thing to do is to just give in and pray to god that it’ll be worth it in the end. and it usually is.

and it actually feels good to be proven wrong for once. just for once, though. i like being right most of the time ;]

i’ve always believed that we have to screw up and get hurt and probably even bleed so badly before we finally get to be with that one person we’re meant to be with for the rest of our lives. i’ve always  believed that we had to go through all these just to we woud really know how lucky we are and how blessed we are so that we would know how much we were willing to fight for that person because we couldn’t stand not being with them. and quite frankly, i aways believed in love. i was just waiting for someone to prove me wrong and now that i have, i wouldn’t give it up for world.

i’m not saying i’m completely right. i’m not saying that i’m wrong either.
i’m saying that i got lucky. and everyone else is bound to get their share of luck too. even if you keep telling the world you won’t.

g’night.
issa. x]

not that you really wanted to know …

it’s a saturday evening and i’m just at home. james has fallen asleep on me and i have to make this font extra big cuz everything seems blurry right now. maybe because i played tennis 5 hours straight the church the whole afternoon then hung out with the family and i’ve been watching one tree hill and fixing my room and maybe i just really need to rest right now. or maybe my astigmatism is back. you know.. since last last friday.

i’m listenning to music on james’s iPod right now. [btw, i still don’t know where my pod is or who has it. this MIGHT be a problem. hehe] and aside from rnb songs and paramore, i really cannot relate to any of james’s songs. i’m listenning to “hips don’t lie” right. i am clearly sending my point out loud and clear. haha.

so i’ve been back home for 3 days already and i cleary owe whoever cares an explanation. no, a story rather. lol.

so yeah. i hate how i said that i would stay there for a month [the least] and i ended coming back home a week after. but there were soo many things to consider like, how my granny would eductae me and where she’d get the money. plus, i couldn’t just keep hiding from my dad like that. not that i haven’t done it before but there was more at risk. like, if he found out then there’d be a really big problem and he’d become a part of something that was really none of his business.

or maybe i’m just saying that to seem less like a loser. lol.

anywyas, my last weekend was pretty awesome. let’s see… i almost got drunk [i hardly ever go all the way. boo hoo] and then granny told me she was at some party with her friends to find out that she was a my other grandparents place discussing the whole me leaving the house with the whole family. [grandparents, siblings, aunt, unlce, mother, father]

sweet.

and then the next day papa called up and asked if he coud pick me up so we coud talk. then yeah, that’s what we did. i asked him to read an email first though. i hav a copy of it. i don’t know if i should post it though. i won’t be loosing anything anyways so maybe i will. james hasn’t read it yet [not that it matters] but maybe he should. so maybe i should post the email here. anywyas. so he picked me up and i told him i wasn’t going to go home yet and that i needed to be with granny cuz annie’s in manila cuz apparently my grandfather is dying. like i care. does i really matter? he doesn’t even know me. seriously.

but yeah, t o make a very long story short, i’m back home and my life has been better than ever. i’m just tired from teenis training and school and everything else i have to balance. life is kinda hard. :[ sigh.

but the whole james and issa thing is turning out really good. ast night, me, james and the parens had dinner at kotie [jap. food] and then we went to sunflower to play billiards and then we went home and watched disturbia. it was really great and i just fell more inlove with him. just when i thought it wasn’t possible anymore. ❤

you already know who i am

lyrics

    Let Me Fall
– Bethany Joy Lenz

It’s October again

leaves are coming down

one more year has come and gone

and nothings changed at all

wasn’t I
supposed to be someone

who can face the things I’ve been running from



let me feel

I don’t care if I breakdown

let me fall

even if I hit the ground

and if I

cry a little

die a little

at least I know I lived

just a little


I’ve become much too good

at being invincible

I’m an expert

at play it safe

and keep it cool

but I swear

this isn’t who I’m meant to be

I refuse to let my life roll over me



I wanna be somebody

I wanna be somebody

I wanna be somebody

I wanna be somebody

who can face the things that I’ve been running from

Always Love
Nada Surf

To make a mountain of your life

Is just a choice


But I never learned enough


To listen to the voice that told me


Always love

Hate will get you every time


Always love

Dont wait til the finish line


Slow demands come ’round


Squeeze the air and keep the rest out


It helps to write it down


Even when you then cross it out


But Always Love
Hate will get you every time


Always Love

Even when you wanna fight


Self-directed lives


I want to know what it’d be like to


Aim so high above


Any card that you’ve been dealt, you…

Always love

Echo
Verical Horizon


Echo, echo…

We come, we go
-woah
No I don’t want to be just another

Echo
, echo…


Everywhere I go


There’s something I really need


Everyone I know


Is someone I want to be


Even though


I don’t really know me


I better pick it up


Before I let it slip away


I better stick it out


Before I take another day


Into mouth


Everything I say fades out

Echo, echo…
We come, we go-woah
No I don’t want to be just another
Echo, echo…


Can I open up your eyes?


Only when the clouds break?


Can I feel the light?


Even though the world shakes


Every night,


You’re my quiet satellite


Can I hold you close?


Do her out of focus


And everything I know


I don’t even know this


It all falls through


I’m here and I hear you

Echo, echo…
We come, we go-woah
No I don’t want to be just another
Echo, echo…

lyrics

    Let Me Fall
– Bethany Joy Lenz

It’s October again

leaves are coming down

one more year has come and gone

and nothings changed at all

wasn’t I
supposed to be someone

who can face the things I’ve been running from



let me feel

I don’t care if I breakdown

let me fall

even if I hit the ground

and if I

cry a little

die a little

at least I know I lived

just a little


I’ve become much too good

at being invincible

I’m an expert

at play it safe

and keep it cool

but I swear

this isn’t who I’m meant to be

I refuse to let my life roll over me



I wanna be somebody

I wanna be somebody

I wanna be somebody

I wanna be somebody

who can face the things that I’ve been running from

Always Love
Nada Surf

To make a mountain of your life

Is just a choice


But I never learned enough


To listen to the voice that told me


Always love

Hate will get you every time


Always love

Dont wait til the finish line


Slow demands come ’round


Squeeze the air and keep the rest out


It helps to write it down


Even when you then cross it out


But Always Love
Hate will get you every time


Always Love

Even when you wanna fight


Self-directed lives


I want to know what it’d be like to


Aim so high above


Any card that you’ve been dealt, you…

Always love

Echo
Verical Horizon


Echo, echo…

We come, we go
-woah
No I don’t want to be just another

Echo
, echo…


Everywhere I go


There’s something I really need


Everyone I know


Is someone I want to be


Even though


I don’t really know me


I better pick it up


Before I let it slip away


I better stick it out


Before I take another day


Into mouth


Everything I say fades out

Echo, echo…
We come, we go-woah
No I don’t want to be just another
Echo, echo…


Can I open up your eyes?


Only when the clouds break?


Can I feel the light?


Even though the world shakes


Every night,


You’re my quiet satellite


Can I hold you close?


Do her out of focus


And everything I know


I don’t even know this


It all falls through


I’m here and I hear you

Echo, echo…
We come, we go-woah
No I don’t want to be just another
Echo, echo…

another day, another set of problems

my papa wants to pick me up and talk.
i don’t think i’m ready for this yet.
i don’t think i have the guts to face them either.

and god, i’m scared. i need you so much.
i need you.
i need drugs.
i need a cigarette.
i need to get wasted again.

x| <- me, if this REALLY pulls through