the thought that there is really no one you can trust in this world and the thought [or feeling] of regret.
those are the worst. and i’ve been thinking about both the whole day.
* god, enlighten me.
ok let me start…
so yeah, i guess i’m really REALLY beginning to realize that you really can’t trust anyone. no matter how many times they tell you that you can or no matter how much you think you can because the reality that i now choose to believe is that, there realy is no such thing as “trust”.
i don’t know much about trust. the only thing i know about it is that i trust you with my heart and i hope that’s enough.
i wrote that a few months ago for james and i’m thinking about it now and i’m thinking… maybe it’s not so much on the “trusting” him with my heart but it’s more about the giving it to him and hoping and counting that he knows what he’s supposed to do with it.
i am simply in denial about the entire exitense of such a thing called “trust”
but yeah. what is trust, really? telling someone something and knowing that that person would keep it to him or herself until the day he/she died? or at least until it was safe to speak out? because that’s impossible and i can enumerate a lot of reasons why this is so.
one is simply because people have the inabiity to STFU.
so who is there to tell all our secrets and fears and wishes and dreams to?
[note: james is excluded from all these ques.]
i learned recently that i have to be very careful about the things i choose to tell people. i also learned that the older you get, the less trust worthy you become.
but whatever. the secret’s out and there’s really no point in keeping it in anyways.
tonight mommy asked me if i regretted transferring to mmch.
“all the time.”
but really. i’m still kinda confused if i regret it or not. mmch isn’t such a bad place to be in. i guess.
i can’t lie. i miss it there soo soo much. that place, those walls – they feel like home to me. it reminds me of who i used to be and it reminds me of so many experiences in my life that i’m never going to forget – ever. it’s like, i compare it to my school now and it is so easy for me to conclude that i am never going to remember mmch as much as i’m going to remember stc. and i’m a girl so it’s no suprise that i’m so sentimental about that place.
and it’s been 3 years already and i’ve hardly gotten over this.
so, do i regret it? i really want to say yes, i do but then i want to live a life where i don’t have to have any regrets.i want to live a life where i am able to say that i made my own decisions and whether i am truly happy or not, it has molded me into a better person.
but screw that. hell yeah, i guess i do regret moving.
don’t get me wrong, i love my new friends but being left behind from all that high school drama and being able to be with my friends everyday until i’m practically sick of their faces is something i really miss. and i guess i miss it because it doesn’t matter where i go, i know that i’m never going to find another group of people like them. and to be deprived of that opportunity really does make you regret.
sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i stayed. and i’m scared to think that if i did stay, i’d be the same rotten girl i used to be when i was there. i’m scared that if i chose to stay, i’d still be lost and confused and hurting. and i look at the situation i’m in now and i can’t help but feel a little bit more secure than i’ve ever been before.
high school should just end right now, you know? so i wouldn’t have to be feeling this way. so i wouldn’t feel so rotten and pms striken.
i swear. i hate being a girl sometimes.
i’m done moping.
[because hugs are better than kisses]