a year and a million i don’t cares

yey. we turned a year today. unfortunately, i don’t have a good reason to celebrate. best anniversary EVER.

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emo once again

have you ever felt so undeniably dull? like, your whole life only revolved around tennis, spider solitaire, text twist and a boy and that was it. have you ever felt like those were the only things you could look forward to because in reality, those were the only things going in your life anyways? i hate to say it, but i do.

i’m at arden’s place right now and while arden’s talking to her lover, basi, i just couldn’t contain myself from rambling and whining about this slob fest that i unfortunately have to call  my “life”.

anyways, i just found out that i am used as a threat to my other friends who have recently engaged in this so called, serious relationship thing..

their exact words, “cige ka, do you want to turn into issa?”
which means, issa, who doesn’t have a life of her own because she’s all about her boyfriend and just that. issa who is never not with him and the issa that we’ve stopped bothering to invite to our get togethers because, what’s the point, we know she won’t go anyways cuz she’s always with james. that issa.

and i’m looking through these blogs and yeah, i know that that’s the person i’ve become. i’m issa, james’s girlfriend. nothing more and nothing less. and i guess it just sucks cuz i know that my friends don’t look for me anymore because i gave them a reason not to. i’m just not there anymore like i used to and i guess, that’s the sad part that i have to look for them because they don’t want to go looking for me because they know i’m too busy for them. because i have a boyfriend.

really, is it supposed to be like this? where i don’t have a life outside this relationship? where i don’t get to hang out with my friends on lazy Wednesday afternoons or where i’m only present on birthday parties and that’s just it?

i miss my friends which is why i asked for one day [instead of 2] every week with them but i don’t think james understands this because his life isn’t affected in any way. i think he doesn’t get what’s happening in my life and why i’ve been such a downer lately. he doesn’t know how it is to not have friends or to know that your friends don’t look for you anymore because his friends are in manila. and the friends that he does have are his classmates.

i’m the only person in my circle who has a boyfriend but why am i the one who’s giving up everything to be with him?

itbxjt,jyku.li;i; – that was arden.

i just want to go out without having him constantly nagging at me and getting mad cuz i can’t reply or cuz i’m having fun. i just don’t want to go out and reading his text messages of him asking me about who i’m flirting with and shit like that. i just want time to be a girl and have fun.

there’s nothing wrong with that, right?

and if i get that, he’ll get what he wants, too. not that he isn’t getting that now.

but yeah.

times like this are just hardcore. and depressing and i just wish, for once that i had more control over my life than he did over mine.

issa

bored with life

have you ever wondered if a person can stay “in” love for the rest of their life? and i actually mean, in love. or am i the only person who knows that she’s in love with a boy but just can’t bring herself to feel it right now? ugh, i don’t know what’s wrong with me right now. lately i’ve just been dull and numb and counting the days til i get my period so this madness would end but it hasn’t come yet and i hate having PMS.

i mean don’t get me wrong, i love james. god, i love him with all my heart. i sat 1 row behind on the opposite side of him at church and i felt like i was dying to run across so i could sit with him and i couldn’t contain myself from constantly turning my back to get a glimpse of him. if i didn’t love him, i wouldn’t have felt anything when i saw him pray, right? but i did. or i wouldn’t have wasted my time wondering if he was praying about me and us. i wouldn’t have daydreamed about running to him and just break down and cry just like how we cried together at church camp if i didn’t really love him, right? i wouldn’t have blushed when he patted my head to say good bye, right? so i guess i really do love him. even if these may not be the concrete reasons to what love is, i know that deep down inside me, i really do love him.

i mean, why wouldn’t i? despite the fact that he makes me mad like hell or despite the fact that i can never bring myself to fully trust him because i don’t even know why. despite the fact that he makes the dumbest jokes and sometimes i wish i could just get away from everything, i know that if that really happened, i would spend the rest of my time looking for him anyways.

so what’s wrong with me today?
what’s been up with me?
what’s been wrong with us?

last night we had a big fight and i think i was ok with the fact of us breaking up which is proli why i’m not so into it anymore. but regardless of that, i told him that for one week, he had to treat me the way he would treat a girl he was into. yk, really sweet, wouldn’t hurt a fly, flowers and chocolates kind. i know it was pretty shitty but idk, in my defense, i guess i just really miss the feeling of falling in love.

i do love james, hands down. but now i’m feeling a little more reckless than usual. right now, i feel like if i died tonight, i wouldn’t be missed. right now i just feel like i’m not getting as much out of life as everyone else and i hate feeling like this.right now. i feel like i could loose everything i have in a blink of an eye and i just want to feel like i’m worth a little more than nothing, yk.

i bought rabbits the other day. venom and elephant. they sleep in a box in my room at night but my papa doesn’t know. i don’t have anything to feed them right now and their cage is busted. more of a reason to smile.

over and out.

issa

when boys “cheat”

tennis was good. my forehand was good [not top spinning like how i like em but still ok], my backhand was clean [as always], some of my serves went in [the good kind of serves] and james came and for the first time this week, we didn’t fight. we were actually happy to see each other. lol. mybe because he asked me to do his school work for him but anyways.. next topic.

i got dropped off at my grandparents house cuz me and mommy are going to tabo to shop shop shop and i am SOOO super duper excited for it! 😀

i think that james is hiding something from me. or maybe i think that cuz his friend is hiding something from his girlfriend so i immedietly assume that james is doing the same thing.

tell me, do i have the right to think that if one guy in my boyfriends group is fooling around that my boyfriend is immedietly doing it too isn’t that how guys are?

help!

stupid alvin

have you ever felt so uddery stupid before? tonight was, i think, the second time i’ve seen my brother in his 4 years and i think i’m bummed. it sucks that i don’t have a relationship with them when im fact, i would rather have a rel. with them than with my ggfjk873648 dad.

i hate how the thinks i’m ok. how he thinks that everything between us is good. i hate how he assumes that i need him or how i think about him because quite frankly, i don’t.

i wish i could skip the whole alvin part and just jump to my brother and sister because they look more promising than he will EVER be.

i know he has SOME part in them knowing who i am cuz he talks about me blah blah but i don’t care and i don’t think i ever will.

i just hate the fact that i have to deal with stuff like this. stuff like pretending i want to do something when i don’t just because i don’t want to offend anybody. i really hate stuff like this gyud.

i hate the fact that my papa has to feel sorry for me because he thinks i’m not getting enough of what i should and how i constantly get these pity i love you’s from him. i just hate it.

i wish my life had no clutter. and i wish james was awake. cuz i kinda need him. even if i know he could never help me with this. i just kinda need someone to talk to right now. even if i know he wouldn’t really understand. sometimes you don’t really need someone who understands. maybe sometimes you just need someone who listens :[

bored like always

it’s summer but i haven’t been to the beach once and i honestly don’t feel like there’s ANYTHING interesting coming up in my life. except for maybe the fact that me and my mom are shopping at the flee market tomorrow. i don’t know if flee market is the right term but i’m quoting it anyways just so you kinda get what i mean. for the filipinos who are updated with my blog, i’ll be shopping at colon with mommy dearest tomorrow and i am sooo excited. 😀

i honestly think that this summer is going to be the most boring ever especially because of the fact that i am no longer allowed to go out without james’s company. talk about a short leash, eh? it was my idea, actually. i know it’s really stupid but i think i just freaked out when one of james’s close friend who’s a girl said that she loved HER byt [whatever the hell that means] and yeah, you kinda get it, i over reacted and i admit it.

i love james but let’s get real, he can’t be the ONLY person i’m allowed to interact with for the rest of my life.

so for the past 2 days, i’ve been keeping myself entertained with maximum tune 3 and i think i’m starting to grow on the arcade now. i think i might give tdance revolution a shot now. the think freq. customers of the place have already formed some kind of posse now cuz i noticed that the people who’re usually there already “interact” with each other.

oh fuck., my dad’s on the webcam. GODDAMNIT!!   HOLD ON.

anyways, to end this sad and pitiful blog,

i expected more out of this summer. i thought it would be different now that i have a boyfriend. nuf said.

i’m still waiting for the fun, the sun and fun. i’m all about that. in case you haven’t noticed.

xoxo

not such a good thing

i’m scared to admit it to anybody cuz i’m scared that if i do tell anybody, i could actually be true. but i doubt that it could be true in a million years but i can’t escape the fact that maybe it is. i don’t know what to do anymore 😦

god, i just hope i’m wrong.

wow

i came home drunk last night and my parent’s just laughed and teased me about it. haha.

last night was awesome. haha. well, except the part where i got drunk. haha.

my glowstick hasn’t died out yet, so does that mean it’s still on?

if you’ve already said it once…

in my case, you haven’t said it enough.

yk, sometimes i get so confused with this whole boyfriend girlfriend thing even if i’ve been doing it for almost a year already. i mean, it’s so hard to be able to do things that you used to do when you weren’t in one that aren’t even bad esp. when you’re boyfriend thinks it a complete violation of your trust agreements or whatever it is you two have agreed on.

sometimes i think it’s too much to handle but i know that i’m just not the giving up type.

it’s 10 days before james’s birthday and i’m just so stressed out right now. ugh. i haven’t gotten him a gift or anything pa and i don’t even have that much money to buy him a gift. ugh. plus it’ll be our anniversary this month, too AND my papa’s birthday. oh, i’m so dead.

i don’t want to think about what happened today because it’ll just bring me down more. i could say i don’t care because honestly, i really don’t. what happened happened and it was just crystal clear proof that i will never be enough for him. even if that’s the only thing i really want. to be ENOUGH.

whatever. i’m a screw up. that’s just who i am. one big major disappointment.