i just noticed that i happen to start most, if not all of my conversations with.. “i wonder..”. do i seriously wonder THAT much? haha. sick.
i’m at grany’s place praying to God that my dad doesn’t go online and try to chat with me or worse, talk to me. seriously, i know he gave me 40k for college and shit but that’s no reason for me to kiss his ass. i mean, what’s 40 thousand compares to the idk my mom’s spent on me? so if he thinks i’m going to befriend him for his little charity stint, he’s got another thing coming.
but anyways, i’m at grany’s place cuz i got sick of staying home for the past 3 days and i didn’t really want to go and hang with my friends so i decided to come here where i could eat my heart out and do whatever the fuck i wanted. good idea, huh? i got to eat a cheeseburger meal with large fries AND chicken with rice. not bad for a girl who’s afraid to loose weight.
aside from eating, i read annie’s cosmopolitan magazine and watched “a love story” which was kinda cool. i think i’ve been degrading myself. first with the PBB obsession and now this. haha. i’ve outdone myself, really. and yk how you end up with tons of questions after. well, i’ve come up with a bunch of my own.
i wonder if, at some point or another in your life you have to go through being cheated on, cheating or being cheated with [does the last part make sense?]
and i wonder if each time we go through it, can we handle it like we do in the movies? without screaming, without hitting, without walking out? because i don’t think i could ever do that.
i also wonder if i should be like those kind of people on wowowee who were left by their moms or dads yet still have nothing but love for them. i mean, i wish i was like that but i just don’t see that coming for me, yk?
well. that’s basically it. lmao. so much for that.
aside from that, lately, i’ve been thinking about whether or not i should go a step further with james. i know it’s weird to be posting the fact that i’m a virgin with james but yeah, KRYSTLE, at least now you know you’re niece is SAFE. hahaha.
but i’ve come up with a few reasons of why i SHOULDN’T do it.
1. because i promised myself i would WAIT
2. cuz when i do it, i don’t want to have to worry for the next few weeks about if i’m pregnant or not. and if i ever was pregnant, i wouldn’t want to have to kill it or i wouldn’t want a baby to be a problem cuz babies shouldn’t be problems. they should be blessings.
3. i want my first time to be really nice. not in a car or in a cheapass motel, yk? i wanna remember it. and not be ashamed to.
4. i don’t want my relationship with james to be just about sex. i want it to be more than just that. and if he can prove to me that he can be with me for a long time without doing it, then i’ll know he’s the one.
5. things between me and him aren’t that good right now. i mean, sure we get along and stuff but then we always have our fights between those and that scares me.
6. as much as i want to be with him forever, you never know what’ll happen. and i just want to be sure that i’m giving myself away to the ONLY guy.
7. and i just don’t want to turn into my mother.
i have a lot of regrets. but i don’t want this to be my biggest regret and if i did do it, i know i will. i don’t know if i still have the same opinion as everyone else but i’d sure like some amens for it. HAHA. no, i’m chill.
but anyways, the only reason why i want to do it is cuz i think that sex will never be as good when you’re young compared to when you’re old and married. but who says i have to be old, right? lmao.
i’m a dork but i want people to read this cuz yeah. it’s important to me and maybe it’ll mean something to some other people. lmao.
i’m out for tonight.