my only chance at sanity

i’m stealing these from and she smiles and i dont care. i feel like crap and it doesn’t matter.

Fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?
& I foresee the dark ahead if I stay.

No matter how far I go, no matter how much this hurts,
I wanted you to know, my heart remains with you.

Fall in love without warning just to fall back apart.
I feel the warmth of her whisper, & the cold of my mistakes.
Her soul in the balance, my heart in her hands.
I made her a widow, she made me a man.
[ i wish i made him feel this way]


‘Cause with you I’d withstand all hell
To hold your hand.

They say all good things must come to an end,
that nothing gold can stay.
Well you and I may be as good as gold,
but we are as real as a memory,
one that will never leave me.
You will never leave me
because you’re everywhere I go

i’m alone, on my own,
and that’s all i know.
i’ll be strong, i’ll be wrong,
oh but life goes on

This could break my heart or save me. Nothing’s real until
you let go completely. So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been
saving. So here I go with all my fears weighing on me.

“Oh God, where are you? Can you hear my scream way up there,
through the clouds, in heaven? Do you even care?”

I do not fear Spiders or Snakes.
At great heights, I jump off, smiling.
In the face of death, I wink.
But when I look into your eyes,
I fear of how much I love you.

we are what we are.
sometimes, that’s not enough

The choice is black or white,
not a shade of gray.
because in love, there is no such thing
as half way.

What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams ?
Maybe then you’d know how I feel

My secret is fatally gorgeous
I’d die for you
But in this Bonnie and Clyde kind of romance
Tell me what would you do?
My secret is fatally gorgeous
I’d die for you
But when your precious life is at stake
Tell me would you die for me too?

i wish james knew exactly how i feel for him. that i would forget all my dreams and aspirations in life just to be with him. that i would cut my wrist and sew it up back again for him if it made him happy. i just know i would do anything for this boy if e asked me to.

i wish he knew that.

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my only chance at sanity

i’m stealing these from and she smiles and i dont care. i feel like crap and it doesn’t matter.

Fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?
& I foresee the dark ahead if I stay.

No matter how far I go, no matter how much this hurts,
I wanted you to know, my heart remains with you.

Fall in love without warning just to fall back apart.
I feel the warmth of her whisper, & the cold of my mistakes.
Her soul in the balance, my heart in her hands.
I made her a widow, she made me a man.
[ i wish i made him feel this way]


‘Cause with you I’d withstand all hell
To hold your hand.

They say all good things must come to an end,
that nothing gold can stay.
Well you and I may be as good as gold,
but we are as real as a memory,
one that will never leave me.
You will never leave me
because you’re everywhere I go

i’m alone, on my own,
and that’s all i know.
i’ll be strong, i’ll be wrong,
oh but life goes on

This could break my heart or save me. Nothing’s real until
you let go completely. So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been
saving. So here I go with all my fears weighing on me.

“Oh God, where are you? Can you hear my scream way up there,
through the clouds, in heaven? Do you even care?”

I do not fear Spiders or Snakes.
At great heights, I jump off, smiling.
In the face of death, I wink.
But when I look into your eyes,
I fear of how much I love you.

we are what we are.
sometimes, that’s not enough

The choice is black or white,
not a shade of gray.
because in love, there is no such thing
as half way.

What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams ?
Maybe then you’d know how I feel

My secret is fatally gorgeous
I’d die for you
But in this Bonnie and Clyde kind of romance
Tell me what would you do?
My secret is fatally gorgeous
I’d die for you
But when your precious life is at stake
Tell me would you die for me too?

i wish james knew exactly how i feel for him. that i would forget all my dreams and aspirations in life just to be with him. that i would cut my wrist and sew it up back again for him if it made him happy. i just know i would do anything for this boy if e asked me to.

i wish he knew that.

…in ways i never knew was even possible

he said he only wanted to be with a smart girl, one who uses her head, one who doesn’t mess everything up. he said he wanted to be with a girl AND live the life he used to live. which means, he wants to screw around and he’ll get to me when he wants to. i’ve become a conviniency [i think i just made this word up] to him. and the sad thing about all of this is that i let him get away with me not being a priority to him when he’s the only thing i make sure of in my life.

how is it possible to feel like this?

i blame myself for all of this.

well, i’m changing for him in hopes that if and when i do, things’ll be better, that it won’t hurt anymore, that i won’t be blogging in the computer lab with a tight throat cuz my tears want so bad to roll down my cheeks.

why is it that the harder i try, the harder i get slapped in the face?

god, you know the only thing i want is just to be happy. why does this feel so impossible?

i thought if we do good things, good things happen to us.


it always rains on Thursdays

I’m in school right now. I’m just waiting for dance practice and for james to get out so we can buy our shit for acquaintance party this Saturday. i’m dancing [remember i got in freestep?] to 60’s music cuz apparently, that’s the theme for this year. sucks ass, i know.

this year, me and james decided to wear the same shirt. i’m excited for that no matter how tacky it may seem. it’s just something i know i’m going to remember for a long time and i like moments like that cuz i know we’re not going to have a lot of those anymore. or at least not now.

i haven’t updated in a while so i guess that’s why i sound like i’m new at this and hence, the smiley. it’s getting pretty obvious.

i went to my classmate’s father’s wake this morning. it was really sad. and i feel bad for her mainly because the whole world is acting like nothing’s happening. [stupid, i know. i think i’m selfish like that] and idk, that’s probably the worse and most painful thing that could happen to anyone. to loose a family member. it just makes me wonder bah, why does everyone still have a reason to smile or laugh? i bet their life is just as fucked up as i think it is yet we’re still laughing and smiling at that dullest things. do you think we’re just all really good at pretending?

i do.

me and james are getting better, i think. but i still think that this relationship isn’t going to work out.

honestly, i feel like he’s the one [even though it’s too early to say]. somehow i know that i don’t want to love anyone else cuz then i would just make that other person feel second rate. i know that i will never love anyone as much as i love him. but deep inside me, i have the strongest feeling that i’m lying to myself now. because i’m not getting what i want.

and all i really want is just to be loved. it’s that simple. i just want to be happy. is that so hard?

i don’t want to be called a slut or a bitch or stupid because deep down inside me i know that i’m not really those things but how come nobody sees that?

i’m tired of living this life and i’m tired of pretending and i’m tired of not being happy.

if i died, i know that nobody’ll miss me. not even james. he’ll move on.

i know the whole world’ll just carry on and people will just keep on laughing and smiling about stupid things like what some girl is wearing or that word some guy mispronounced and that sucks.

when i die, i want people to talk about the bad sides of me. because people are such hypocrites. no one ever tells me that i’m a true friend or that i’m nice or understanding now. so why should they say it when i’m dead? i’m not a fucking saint. and i don’t want death to be the only moment i’m ever going to be patronized.

gtg. practice in a bit.

take care.

object of his aggrivation

james is behind me but we’re fighting. another one of those cases when i didn’t care at all to tell him what he thinks he’s supposed to know.

i wonder if he knows how i feel or if he knows that i cry when i think of him at night when i pray or if he knows how miserable i am with him.

i think my opinion now compared to 14 months ago is very different.
i don’t know how to smile anymore.
i don’t know how to laugh or talk to people anymore.
i don’t know what butterflies are like
and i don’t even know what love is.

all i wanted to do was be happy.
maybe happiness is somewhere else.

if you want a new life, you probably never wanted your old one.

the problem with me is, i don’t know what i am anymore.

you always get what you want…

i auditioned for the Free Step dance troupe [which i’ve suddenly heard is the best dance troupe amung all the department] and i got in. yey for me.

i’m doing extremey well in chemistry [very shocking indeed] and idk, so far, everything’s been ok.

i think i’m ok.

we are very complicated right now and although me and james are once again a couple [sheesh] i’m having a hard time admitting it because it doesn’t really feel like we are.

i think we just back slid but that’s what he wants.

i wouldn’t be suprised anymore if he wanted to start seeing other people bet. this relationship. </3

it’s completely outta my hands now. go figure.

xoxo

issa

you always get what you want…

i auditioned for the Free Step dance troupe [which i’ve suddenly heard is the best dance troupe amung all the department] and i got in. yey for me.

i’m doing extremey well in chemistry [very shocking indeed] and idk, so far, everything’s been ok.

i think i’m ok.

we are very complicated right now and although me and james are once again a couple [sheesh] i’m having a hard time admitting it because it doesn’t really feel like we are.

i think we just back slid but that’s what he wants.

i wouldn’t be suprised anymore if he wanted to start seeing other people bet. this relationship. </3

it’s completely outta my hands now. go figure.

xoxo

issa

so this is how it is now..

i guess it’s really over now. and not over like in the kinda way that you break up and just get back together. over in a sense that we don’t know if we wanna get back together or not anymore.

but god, i didn’t do it because i wanted to get away from him or because i don’t want him in my life anymore cuz i do. right now, it’s like my whole world just stopped and idk what to do or what i’m supposed to do.

i bought my first pack of cigarettes but i didn’t smoke it cuz i was scared that if i did, james wouldn’t get back with me but that’s stupid now because if he were going to, he would’ve done it before. but he hasn’t. and now we’re both single. he’s happy, i’m not. and that’s not really how i pictured things when i ended it with him.

i just thought that if we broke up, both of us would be miserable. both of us would be crying our eyes out day in day out. but why am u the only one who’s crying?

why doesn’t he wanna get back together?

why isn’t he sure anymore?

i love him, i do. and i want to be with him and this time i want it to work. but why isn’t it anymore?

</3 </3 </3

whew!!!

damn!!! internet is so slow! anyways, what a long day. i miss you!!! i promised you yesterday that i would check your blog nd so thats why im here! mwahhh

love yah!
bye

guess what i did today…

i broke the rules but i feel good about it.
i was spontaneous and i feel like a teenager again.
i did something i wasn’t sure of at first but in the end,
it felt worth it.

and if anyone doesn’t like what i did,
then you can go and EAT SHIT
cuz i’m happy.
i made myself happy
and i feel
infinite.

i auditioned for Free Step dance club.
and i did pretty well.

i hope i get in.

[crosses fingers]