at the internet cafe in the canteen. for some reason, i tend to spend most of my free time here cuz most of the guys i hang out with when nina isn’t here playing dota here and since no one wants to play l4d with me, i just waste time on you, xanga. HAHA.
dad’s coming here in exactly a week and i am slowly loosing my mind. this is an example of our recent conversations:
alvinpchua: i can’t wait to finally see you, sush.
issadog_102890: ehhh.. yeah, me too.
nina said i should try being more genuinely nice to him for once. and yeah, i would love to actually do that but the question is: HOW?
i’m not good with strangers. when i’m around people i don’t know, i avoid small talk, i don’t maintain eye contact and i try my best to stay as far away as possible. I’d give it like a few months before you upgrade yourself to a casuality. But i can’t just push you away like that, can i? i wish i could.
I don’t know why i’m freaking out so much over this. This morning, i was sitting down and i imagined being around my dad and for a split second, i was happy. i was even excited. but i immediately shut the possibility out because i know that if my mom knew this, she would hate me.
i hate fighting two battles. i hate having to fight their battles for them.
i’m scared of him, honestly. mostly because he’s a lot like the wind. he’ll come and he’ll go. he could be a typhoon, too. come, ruin me and leave. and not even apologize for it.
i’m so tired of all this emotional stress that is caused by him. but in exactly a week, he’ll be here. it’s been 13 years. what do i do? do i hug him? hold his hand? kiss his cheek? cry?
this is the moment i’ve been dreading my whole life and it’s finally happened. you can’t imagine all the episodes running inside my head. it’s eating me alive.