i keep forgetting that he’s not james. and that not all relationships don’t work the way it did with him. i keep forgetting that i don’t have to do this or i can still do that. And sometimes, he does things that remind me of james and it shakes me up.

i forgot my whole world doesn’t have to change because i’m with him now. it only gets better.

i can’t believe i almost ended it today. then i would’ve lost a really good thing. 🙂

i don’t want you to change me. so don’t. ever.

happier than a bird with a french fry <3

you can never just have a good day. I fully believe this. so believe me, i’ve had a mix of both.

“i’ve already hit rock bottom. There’s nowhere else to go but up.”

But you know, honestly? I’ve never been this happy in a while. despite everything, it’s really great to just be able to see him, even for just a while, and talk and be silly and not just want to snog.

i like the fact that me and him are such good friends. Friends mostly. I like that he goes out of his way just to see me and i like the fact that he likes me more than i like him. or that’s just how it seems right now.

I like the fact that he doesn’t try to change me and that he knows who i am and all the shit i get myself into and doesn’t try to make it “our” problem. he just listens and tries to help me.

and i love the fact that we laugh A LOT! and that i know he thinks about me and that he feels bad when we can’t talk. i like all these things. i like them a lot.

i guess i got lucky. and i know that i don’t wanna lose what i have right now. So whatever shit i got into, you know, we’re all over it. He is so we’re both good. that’s all i really need right now.

p.s. i’m bruised and aching ALL OVER! damn you, soccer!

sober up, kid

i told you not to try to change me because this is who i’ve always been. I told you that i would change who i was when i wanted to. and i will, but i just want you to know, i’m not going to do this for you.

you tell me that we’ll make it through this but we can’t. not while you’re still kissing her and i have to find some stupid escape like them.

i never wanted this and you know that. you know that i want everything or i might as well not have anything at all but i just stay a little bit longer basically because at the end of the day, nobody gets me like you do.

nobody appreciates my dumb jokes or my you-know-what-facts like you do. but at the end of the day, you’re still not mine. and it won’t be that way for a very long time.

ah kapoya ani oie. matug nalang ko.

buon giorno, Manolo

i ran into james today at school. Of course, i pretended not to see him because that’s what i do. pretend not to see a lot of people just so i don’t have to fucking small talk. But unfortunately, Francis saw me and eventually called me and sooner or later, made me talk to james. I mean, i have nothing against james. I love james. He was my boyfriend for two fucking years!!! But then francis grabbed my hand and put it on his leg and i swear to god, i wanted to break down. Becaise he was there, in front of me, and all i wanted to do was hold him because i miss him so much. I miss what we had and i wish, i just wish that i could have all the good times we had, with someone else.

I miss being someone’s girlfriend.

Earlier, i saw this couple kissing in front of me and i wanted to rip their heads off or even shoot them the way i would do i resident evil because i didn’t have that.

I’m tired of not belonging to someone and always ending up making out with the next guy just to FEEL for the slightest moment like someones.

why do i even care about relationships?

My stupidity is beyond me.

buon giorno, Manolo

i ran into james today at school. Of course, i pretended not to see him because that’s what i do. pretend not to see a lot of people just so i don’t have to fucking small talk. But unfortunately, Francis saw me and eventually called me and sooner or later, made me talk to james. I mean, i have nothing against james. I love james. He was my boyfriend for two fucking years!!! But then francis grabbed my hand and put it on his leg and i swear to god, i wanted to break down. Becaise he was there, in front of me, and all i wanted to do was hold him because i miss him so much. I miss what we had and i wish, i just wish that i could have all the good times we had, with someone else.

I miss being someone’s girlfriend.

Earlier, i saw this couple kissing in front of me and i wanted to rip their heads off or even shoot them the way i would do i resident evil because i didn’t have that.

I’m tired of not belonging to someone and always ending up making out with the next guy just to FEEL for the slightest moment like someones.

why do i even care about relationships?

My stupidity is beyond me.

The Art of Compensation

When i was in my freshman year of high school, I auditioned for the dance troupe but due to some unfortunate events, i didn’t make it. I remember being so devastated as i sent my papa a text message telling him about what had just hapened. And then he replied…

“It’s ok, Issa, you’re still the best dancer for me.”

and with just that, i was ok.

And then there was this one time when I lost a tennis match against an extremely manly girl and it made me seriously doubt my abilities as a tennis player. I remember my papa putting his arm around me and saying…

“It’s ok, Issa. You’re still the best tennis player for me.”

After hearing him say that it made me feel like fucking Sherapova and i was determined to do a best job the next time.

Then as i grew older, it turned into a lot of…

Don’t worry, Issa, you’re so much better than her”

or

So what? It’s his loss anyways.”

or something of the familiar matter.


But I’m thinking about it now and i’m realizing that all these lines are only said to blind us and just that.

Because in the end, i still wasn’t on the dance team. Instead, i was just sitting in the audience rotting in jealousy.
By the end of that tournament, i still didn’t go home with that medal.
By the time i go to bed tonight, i’ll still be alone and most of all…

i’m not actually the best.
and i know it.


The Art of Compensation

When i was in my freshman year of high school, I auditioned for the dance troupe but due to some unfortunate events, i didn’t make it. I remember being so devastated as i sent my papa a text message telling him about what had just hapened. And then he replied…

“It’s ok, Issa, you’re still the best dancer for me.”

and with just that, i was ok.

And then there was this one time when I lost a tennis match against an extremely manly girl and it made me seriously doubt my abilities as a tennis player. I remember my papa putting his arm around me and saying…

“It’s ok, Issa. You’re still the best tennis player for me.”

After hearing him say that it made me feel like fucking Sherapova and i was determined to do a best job the next time.

Then as i grew older, it turned into a lot of…

Don’t worry, Issa, you’re so much better than her”

or

So what? It’s his loss anyways.”

or something of the familiar matter.


But I’m thinking about it now and i’m realizing that all these lines are only said to blind us and just that.

Because in the end, i still wasn’t on the dance team. Instead, i was just sitting in the audience rotting in jealousy.
By the end of that tournament, i still didn’t go home with that medal.
By the time i go to bed tonight, i’ll still be alone and most of all…

i’m not actually the best.
and i know it.


short, fat and ugly

Well today was a good day for me but of course, it had to start out really shitty before it got better.

my papa thinks that i should talk to my dad and tell him everything i feel towards him like all the things i tell him and mommy when i come home from spending time with him. He says that i can’t keep being two-faced and even said that, “If you’re not going to talk to your dad then don’t bother talking to me about him anymore…”

why do i feel so pressured?!

Am i pathetic for thinking that i could really go on humoring him and giving him what he wants while i just kept it all in? because that was the plan, honestly. Just give him what he wanted and secretly hate him. Because honestly, what’s the point in telling him? I know that no matter what i do or no matter what i say, he will still be the same dad who doesn’t provide for me, who failed and i think i like it that way. because i got used to it. I don’t want him in my life. I don’t want my honesty to somehow invite him in my life. I’m scared that he might take it as a call from me to change because i somehow need him.

Clear communication? You don’t know my dad. He’s psycho.

Even if i were to open up to him… how would i say it?

“Dad, you know, the days I’ve got to spend with you has made me realize a lot of things. Like the fact that you will never be the dad i wanted you to be since i was a little girl for me and i’ve realized this because you don’t seem like you want to be that person for me either. The family i’m with now is the only family i want and i could ever need and sure, it was nice to meet your family but you know, i just can never be a part of that because i know i will never ever belong there. Mommy said that when you came she would leave it up to me to make up my mind about what i feel for you and honestly, what i feel for you if they are not the same are actually worse. because you know what, who you are right now is someone you cannot change and it is someone who will continue to pull me down and hurt me if i let you and i don’t want to…”

no, that’s too scripted. it’ll proli go like this…

Me: Dad… you know, i can’t keep pretending that i like you…
Dad: Shut up you fucking bitch

* how nostalgic *

I haven’t entertained the thought of actually talking to him until today but the more i feel like i need to talk to him, the more i loose the urge to do so. i am weird.

i need an escape. and i’m sorry but i cannot stop smoking.

short, fat and ugly

Well today was a good day for me but of course, it had to start out really shitty before it got better.

my papa thinks that i should talk to my dad and tell him everything i feel towards him like all the things i tell him and mommy when i come home from spending time with him. He says that i can’t keep being two-faced and even said that, “If you’re not going to talk to your dad then don’t bother talking to me about him anymore…”

why do i feel so pressured?!

Am i pathetic for thinking that i could really go on humoring him and giving him what he wants while i just kept it all in? because that was the plan, honestly. Just give him what he wanted and secretly hate him. Because honestly, what’s the point in telling him? I know that no matter what i do or no matter what i say, he will still be the same dad who doesn’t provide for me, who failed and i think i like it that way. because i got used to it. I don’t want him in my life. I don’t want my honesty to somehow invite him in my life. I’m scared that he might take it as a call from me to change because i somehow need him.

Clear communication? You don’t know my dad. He’s psycho.

Even if i were to open up to him… how would i say it?

“Dad, you know, the days I’ve got to spend with you has made me realize a lot of things. Like the fact that you will never be the dad i wanted you to be since i was a little girl for me and i’ve realized this because you don’t seem like you want to be that person for me either. The family i’m with now is the only family i want and i could ever need and sure, it was nice to meet your family but you know, i just can never be a part of that because i know i will never ever belong there. Mommy said that when you came she would leave it up to me to make up my mind about what i feel for you and honestly, what i feel for you if they are not the same are actually worse. because you know what, who you are right now is someone you cannot change and it is someone who will continue to pull me down and hurt me if i let you and i don’t want to…”

no, that’s too scripted. it’ll proli go like this…

Me: Dad… you know, i can’t keep pretending that i like you…
Dad: Shut up you fucking bitch

* how nostalgic *

I haven’t entertained the thought of actually talking to him until today but the more i feel like i need to talk to him, the more i loose the urge to do so. i am weird.

i need an escape. and i’m sorry but i cannot stop smoking.