18 years and 364 days old

i’m 19. ALMOST out of my teen yeasrs. and i am soo not excited. i bet you thought i was the kind of girl who couldn’t wait to grow up. well, i’m not. i’d tell you i was still 16 if you asked and yes,i could still get away with it. LOL

but yeah. birthdays. another year to be thankful, another year to mature, age and all that shit. birthdays to me are like, ego day. like of all the days in the year, you only get one day to be completely selfish and egoistic and not give a fuck about anything but yourself. idk but that’s just me. HAHA. so this year, i only wish to be lazy and get surprises or idk. anything to make me happy. even if it’s just for one day.

dghdjkhkdf i’ll blog later

a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle

One day, in this big vast world, we’ll find someone for us. It may not be now, it may take a few misses and it might hurt sometimes.  But if we tell ourselves that it’ll happen for us, it will and when it does, we’ll know why every other time had to hurt so much in the first place.

In our lives, there will always be this one guy [or maybe more], who will look back and wish that he had taken better care of us. They will think about how they let us slip through their fingers and not a single day will pass without even just the slightest thought of us entering their minds. They’ll try all their lives to find someone like us, someone to take our place in their lonely and pathetic lives, but no one ever will- and even they know it. And when that time comes, we will be better off without them. In all honesty, we always were. I guess there are just times when we doubted how great we actually are. The truth is, we don’t need a man to complete us. Men.need.us.

‘They say behind every great man there’s a woman. While I’m not a great man, there’s a great woman behind me.Meryll Frost – ‘Most courageous athlete of 1945

no more second chances

miguel has dengue. my parents are going to manila for the weekend. and i have a costume party i am soo not ready to go to. i haven’t decided on what i’m going to go as but i have a lot of choices so it’s not really a big deal. It’s just kinda ironic how i was slightly freaking out a few days ago about how i didn’t have a costume but then i realized how i like to dress up a lot and the truth is, i have a bunch of costumes here at home! :))

i don’t think i’ve mentioned my new chick, have i? his name is Rambo and he’s a brown Cebuano chick and he’s the cutest thing in the whole world!! Everytime i see him he’s either eating or snuggling up to my sibs chicks, blaze and robert, who are just regular chicks. i’m waiting to get hamsters, a guinnea pig and proli a snake on my birthday which’ll proli be reaaaallly cool once i get them.

richard texted me last night but it was a waste of time. i figured that one day was enough to be sad and shit cuz he’s not worth it. like i said, i always knew it would end i just didn’t prepare myself for it actually happening. In conclusion, i’m better off alone. it’s always been that way. maybe it’ll be this way for a while. and maybe [right now] i don’t mind.

over

so i finally got around to ending it with Richard last night. it was fun while it lasted but maybe it just wasn’t supposed to last.
honestly, i am sad about the fact that it’s over but there was just something in the fact that i’m not bounded in a relationship where i don’t even know where my place is that made me sleep just a little bit better last night.

they always say that you shouldn’t cry over a guy and all that shit but i’ve never really absorbed that. because no matter what i do, the fact that he’s not going to be there like the way he used to just hurts, you know? and i’m not just speaking for richard but i’m talking about every relationship i’ve been in that actually meant something to me in general.

i still do think that there could be a chance for me and him. even if he walked away from me last night without even hugging me like i asked. but i know that he has so many things to learn and so many things he wants to do that he can’t do with me around. sometimes you just have to lose something to appreciate what you had right in front you.

i always knew we were going to end. because i told myself i would be with someone who loves me more than i love him and it wasn’t that way with us. he loved his dota more than anything in the world. lol. i’m not being selfish or maybe i am but honestly, i’m tired out giving more than i always get and that’s why i want someone like that now.

i mean, i do know that i love him and that i want to be with him if god allows it but maybe it’s just not supposed to happen right now…

i wish we could rewind 2 months ago where i was everything to him and he would choose me over anything in the world. and i mentioned in my previous blog that i pushed him away. i don’t regret what i did because if i locked him up then he would push himself away from me eventually and that’s not how i want things to be. i always have to leave first, remember?

soo anywaysss… i’m back to where i started. small and alone. it’ll be a really sad birthday from here.

mistakes mistakes

when we got together, i told myself that this time it would be different. i told myself that i didn’t want to put you in the same situation you’ve found yourself in with each and every person you’ve been with before you met me. You were so fond of telling me where you were and what you were doing and sometimes you’d drag me in on that and ask me to wait for you because somehow, it made you feel a little bit more special than i already make you feel.

but when you’d ask me for permission, i would tell you not to. i would tell you that you could go on and do whatever you want as long as you give me a heads up and i wouldn’t ask any questions, i wouldn’t approve or disapprove because it’s your life and i don’t wanna be that person who tells you what you can and can’t do. i did that because i wanted you to have your freedom. i wanted you to enjoy because being with someone doesn’t mean you can’t do what you used to do. but mostly, and honestly, i did that because i didn’t want you to do the same thing with me…

but now, things have changed

why i will NOT stroke your ego…

i know that’s what you want me to do. and i know that if i want you to like me more than you do [if you do] then it would be smart of me to just do it.

but then again, maybe i don’t need you to like or love me the way i thought i did before. maybe, if you didn’t have those feelings for me, i would still turn out all right. Maybe i don’t need you as much as i thought i did when we started out.

i know you expect me to be this and that and i’m sorry to disappoint you but who do you think you are in the first place to even put yourself in such a high position to expect such things from me? we’re all human and i hope you’ve learned by now that it’s better when you don’t expect anything because it’s just sweeter that way.

ambot na bitaw. you just disappoint me so much. you want so many things you can’t have. and the things you can, you want all at the same time.

i will NOT stroke your ego even if i’m risking you. it just doesn’t matter to me anymore. be with who ever you want. i was always right, people always leave

i hate you and i hope you drop dead. i hate you i seriously do. i hate you. you make me wish i was dead.

death would be really great right now

Some things are meant to be broken but i won’t settle for being one of them

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A SAD LITTLE FUCK.
WHO NOW HATES HER MOMS GUTS.

You know how people say you can never really have a completely good day? Or how you can never be completely happy? I always considered this thought because i don’t think there will ever be an instance in your life where you will find yourself completely happy. Nobody really means it when they say that “they could never really ask for more.” or that “EVERYTHING is perfect” because reality is, it never really will be. Those are just plain hard facts. I’m sorry but it’s true. It’ll always be, “i’m happy despite the fact that…” this and that. I would sell my soul is someone out there is actually happy with their life. No despites, no buts. We’re only human after all, and it is in our nature as human beings to always want a little more than we will ever have.

You know i always thought that i had found my place. I thought that you were happy to have me and that i made us a “family”. 19 years i’ve been with you. And even if we’ve had our ups and downs, our fights and dramas, i never had a doubt in my mind that i was yours and you would fight to keep me. but i guess that wasn’t the complete truth. I thought that when i came into your family, you had my best interest in mind. you mentioned once that you didn’t marry Jim because he didn’t treat me the way she wanted to. Maybe that’s just something you said to boost me up or to make me think you were the best mother in the whole world. And poor me, i took those lies and believed it.

When you married Lander, i thought we would be a family. i thought that THIS was our family. Papa, you danced with me on my birthday, cried and said that you couldn’t imagine your life without me. You said that i made our family what it is and you even said that you loved me as if i was your own. Sometimes i am too gullible for my own good. I seriously believe that.

I guess i just wanted acceptance, to belong and love. I’m not trying to imply the fact that you don’t love me, mom and pa. I just think that you are liars. you lied to me, you made me believe that i was one of you when in fact, thinking about it now, i am only a product of your pity.

You can’t leave me. If you left me, where would i go? where would i be right now? I bet you couldn’t live with your conscience of feeling incompetent because if you’re anything like me, i wouldn’t leave me either. but only for those reasons.

I don’t ask anything from you. I use what you give me and try to make the best out of it. If i need something, i don’t run to you because i’ve realized that you are just not those people for me. If i want something, i need to go out and get it on my own. because that’s how you’ve raised me. But you two, you provide your own kind with more than what they need. you get them everything. at you know, sometimes, it’s just not fair!

I’m sorry if i’m not your kid. I’m sorry if they mean more to you. I’m so sorry if i didn’t die or that you didn’t have me aborted when you had the chance to. You should’ve, seriously. i would’ve appreciated the kind gesture.

I guess i just realized how hard it is to be a part of your family. Trying to live up to your expectations and be afraid to disappoint you. because those are one of the things i dread of doing- disappointing you. you think i have to be better than everyone else because you provide me when providance isn’t what i deserve because what? i’m not yours and his.

i didn’t ask for this. so why do you keep making it seem as if it’s my fault? WHY MOM?