so i finally got around to ending it with Richard last night. it was fun while it lasted but maybe it just wasn’t supposed to last.
honestly, i am sad about the fact that it’s over but there was just something in the fact that i’m not bounded in a relationship where i don’t even know where my place is that made me sleep just a little bit better last night.
they always say that you shouldn’t cry over a guy and all that shit but i’ve never really absorbed that. because no matter what i do, the fact that he’s not going to be there like the way he used to just hurts, you know? and i’m not just speaking for richard but i’m talking about every relationship i’ve been in that actually meant something to me in general.
i still do think that there could be a chance for me and him. even if he walked away from me last night without even hugging me like i asked. but i know that he has so many things to learn and so many things he wants to do that he can’t do with me around. sometimes you just have to lose something to appreciate what you had right in front you.
i always knew we were going to end. because i told myself i would be with someone who loves me more than i love him and it wasn’t that way with us. he loved his dota more than anything in the world. lol. i’m not being selfish or maybe i am but honestly, i’m tired out giving more than i always get and that’s why i want someone like that now.
i mean, i do know that i love him and that i want to be with him if god allows it but maybe it’s just not supposed to happen right now…
i wish we could rewind 2 months ago where i was everything to him and he would choose me over anything in the world. and i mentioned in my previous blog that i pushed him away. i don’t regret what i did because if i locked him up then he would push himself away from me eventually and that’s not how i want things to be. i always have to leave first, remember?
soo anywaysss… i’m back to where i started. small and alone. it’ll be a really sad birthday from here.