Dull and Candy Coated

I am my worst enemy because nobody destroys me quite like myself.

I like to over think and overwhelm myself in the process and I’ll admit- the future scares me.

I have so many dreams and aspirations and somehow the thought of them just staying like that freaks me out more.

I am scared that I want too much that a lifetime would never be able to manage them all.

But these fears are irrational and petty because I know that I make my own bliss.

But the night times scare me because these are the times where the world is quiet and my thoughts are loud.

So yeah, allow me to be scared because it makes me appreciate my bravery more.

Because I know I am capable of being just that.

I’m just hazy in the head.

I get sleepy too.

:*

 

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Random conversation with an old friend:

him: hi iss

me: hey ****

him: musta?
me:okie lang
ikaw?
hehe

him: bad day nako!
hehehe
buwag nami ni ***** last year pa. just ganina kita ko niya with some other guy ouch! sad ako na feel hehehe pero atleast ok nako karon

 
me: HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAY!!!
bitw?
oh nooooo
buwag na gyud for real??

 
him: yeah

 
me: sorry to hear that
why man nag buwag mo?

 
him: napul.an na sige ug away
hehehe
ok ra oi

 
me: pila gani mo ka years together?

 
him: 5years

 
me: geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez

 
him: sayang sa?
but dile man na mu matter oi

 
me: years doesn’t matter

 
him: yeah
how did you do it man iss?
to forget paolo and to be with another guy? sorry to bother hehehe im so broke naman gud kaayo hehehe

 
me: haha it’s ok ra oi
well, it was different for me because I wanted to leave paolo for a very long time na most of the time na uyab mi kay pugos naman lang ko

 
him: ahw same raman ta siguro ug situation i wanted to leave her man pud but kabaw naka di lagi saun2 kay grabe sad ug moments together. hahaiz

me: yeah but kibaw ka think of it this way, you can make moments with other people
although sometimes I still think about Paolo C. I have Paolo now [yeah, same name] and he makes me happier.
if i never left Paolo would I ever know this happiness? I doubt
same goes for you

 
If I stop thinking, maybe I’ll be smarter

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I love you, is that ok?

I’d like to believe that you feel everything I feel when I say it to you,

that you feel the way I do and it’s not just me but both of us.

That you take me seriously.

That even if things are changing, and if our feelings should change too, then it would only become stronger.

That despite my mistakes and my immature wants that are often perceived as need, you don’t look at me differently.

That this is where I am supposed to be.

And that you are who I am supposed to be with.

 

I love you. And I hope you know that. And I hope it’s not too much for you.

 

I’d translate exhausted in every language but.. I really just… can’t.

What You Do To Me

You make me unafraid, you do.

You leave me speechless and giddy and you make me look forward to every single day that I get to spend with you.

You make me feel sure of myself and honestly, I’ve never been more certain towards how I’ve felt towards anybody but you. And I mean it.

You make my walls come down and just so you know, only 2 people have made me cry out of pure happiness- my papa and you.

You give me weak knees but I’ll always have a steady stance as long as I’m with you.

You are the best boyfriend in the whole world and I still have my head up in the clouds and it’s not just because of today but it’s because of what you do for/ to me everyday.

Thank you for thinking that I’m worth all of the things you do for me and more.

I can’t wait to make you feel the way you make me feel now- if you haven’t already.

You have given me such a happy heart one that is actually starting to consider the thought that maybe not everyone has to leave.

And I just want to do the same for you. Not because I have to but because I want to. And your happiness means everything to me. :3

I’m not used to posting happy things on this blog so forgive me if it’s not as good as the others. When I’m happy, I just want to kiss you and be with you so this is still a bit new to me. But I’ll get better at it.

This happiness is hard to explain and I guess that’s the best part. I can’t even begin to fathom how lucky and blessed and happy you make me feel.

Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you. I love you so much!!!

I’ve Got Loose Lips

These lips of mine are going to get me into trouble one day.

Or it’ll just lead to an insatiably unmendable broken heart. Oh, I fear for myself so much. Issa please stop being so stupid.

I don’t mind saying it everyday, hell, I’d say it every second if it made you happy- if it makes you happy at all.

But it breaks me up inside knowing that I might not ever be able to hear it from you.

If you can feel it then you can say it. Or do I have to give you a reason to?

Because it all boils down to me feeling like I’ m just not good enough to be loved. Despite everything I’ve done, not even by you.

Samoka jud nako oi. Ako na gyud pinaka bogo. Pinaka tanga ug pinaka basa.

Kung sa tanan, kibaw ko ako ang pinaka grabeh mo pinangga nimo. Ako ang tao na ok ra ihatag tanan basta tarungon lang ko nimo.

Kung sa tanan kibaw ko ako ang pinaka alkansi.

And I’ve come to terms with that a long time ago. But just like what I do every single time, I just keep giving myself the benefit of the doubt. Hoping that you know, that one day things may change for me.

I’ll be ok tomorrow. It’s just that right now it’s kinda hard to sleep.

I don’t want your pity party.

An Open Letter

Dear Alvin P. Chua:

 

If I’m going to stay angry at you then I’ll only be cheating myself. If I allow myself to let you hurt me effortlessly then I will always be the one at loss. If I’m always going to wait for you to want me then I’ll always be depriving myself from the people that actually do.

 

If I think about you too often then I will never give myself the chance to think about the more important things and quite frankly, thinking about you has never gotten me anywhere. I’ve tried waiting around for you and I look back now and realize that I could’ve done so much more than waste my time on someone I knew would never show up. But stupid me for waiting. It’s ok though, I’m only human.

 

So I’m sitting here reading your messages over and over again trying to figure out what in Gods name popped up inside your head to feel the need to contact me again. And if I think about it real hard, I’d like to think that you did that because if something horrible happened to me, you would never have the chance to do the things you’ve wanted to do to or for me deep inside your heart. But my logic here is, if you wanted a reconciliation, you would’ve acted upon it now- now that you have the chance to. Hell, you would’ve done something years ago. Fuck that, you never would’ve started this shit. You would’ve been a better father, you would’ve been a better person!

 

But everything’s done and I guess I can go to sleep better knowing that I am better than you because at the end of the day, I’m never going to look back at our relationship and say that I wish I tried harder because I did. If you were to die right now, I cannot say that I would mourn for you out of the thought that I never got to know you because it was never up to me. I’ll take you like how I take my relationships.

 

So I’m going to end this by saying THANK YOU. Not expecting that? No, it’s ok, you deserve it. After all, you have contributed to my life in one way or another. Good or bad, your existence has been appreciated.

 

I’m grateful that at one point in time, I passed your mind. I’m grateful of the lessons you’ve subconsciously taught me. And I’m most grateful that you are not my father after all because you are no good for me.

 

Compensation, I’m good at that too.

 

I’m not done yet..