Today I Can Cross Out Something Off 11:11

11:11

1. To be with the person I’m supposed to be with.

2. To be the person that person is supposed to be with as well

3. To always have the ability to make that person happy and VV

4. To find a job

5. To move out

6. To have more fashion blog entries

7. To have enough money for school (specifically at FIDA, at least for 3 months)

8. When all these things have been accomplished, to feel genuinely happy. 

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Hi, My Name Is Issa And…

Hi, my name is Issa. People call me Issa.

I am 21 years old and as I was typing my age, I literally had to stop and recount it in my head and on my fingers because I honestly still think that I am 18 years old.

I have these big thoughts in my head and I don’t know where to place them or what to do with them and in the process of this confusion, I get scared and often end up watching Serendipity in my room to calm myself down.

I like to sketch things. It depends on my mood but I have discovered that I am more creative when I am sad, lonely, anger and depressed altogether. Which happens every 2-3 times a week so I’m pretty much artsy.

My idea of solving my problems is by running away from the situation in order to collect my thoughts. Often I like to remove myself from the vicinity and collect my thoughts so when I’m back, I don’t want to strangle every one so much. kidding.

I am hoping to get a new job. And if I get this new job, I am hoping to move out. Because I want to find peace with myself and with the people I love. I can’t keep being so angry anymore so I’m trying to fix it. (REFER TO RUNNING AWAY)

At this very moment, I am thinking about cooking myself a 10:30 meal because I’m hungry. But then again, I’m lazy and there will be breakfast tomorrow so MAYBE this hunger can wait.

And I also have a dog named Meow. She is fairly annoying. She likes to eat her own poo.

And yeah, well you know, things work like that. whatcanido, whatcanido.

I think I’m going to watch Serendipity now.

Good night.

11:11

At a point in my life I decided that I would believe in something irrational, superstitious, impossible and down right stupid. I decided that I would take a chance and succomb to something I would normally find myself cringing at. You see, as much as I would like to believe, I am not your typical girl. I despise the thought of having crushes, I pry away from the thought of such a thing of being “meant to be” and all that shit but when desperation, boredom and the suckiness of constantly being broken kicks in, you find yourself at a weak point and start believing in things you don’t want to. In my case, I decided to start wishing.

I don’t wish, I plan. I set goals. Because these things, I can control. I can fix, I can change.

My weapon of choice? 11:11.

Why? Beats me. But it beat wishing on stars, tossing pennies into fountains and whatever it is people use to wish on. 11:11 is stupid, I know. It’s as fctional as any other procedure but I felt like it was something special that suited me. The rules were, I would never alarm, never wait for it and leave it up to coincidence that when I stopped to check the time fate would take its place in my life and let me wish away to my hearts content.

For a very long time, I only had one wish. And that wish to find someone who was meant for me and who I  was meant for. Maybe it turned into some sort of religious-superficial ritual because I wished and prayed for this to God- any God, given my religious views that I stand so closely by now.

But as I went along, I sort of came to the impression that I was selfish. Wishes afterall are meant to be selfish and shallow otherwise, you wouldn’t wish for them to begin with. Love is fictional, everybody knows that. You can believe in it all you want and never know if you have it or not. Sometimes it’s there and other times you just sit around wondering f that really is what it is. I don’t want love to be like that though which is why I used to fathom over fairytales and whatnot… fiction, laid down loud and clear.

I guess I just grew out of the thought that  we can be in love all the time. I believe that you can love someone all the time but honestly, the prior, I’m not so sure of. So I changed my wish. It’s 8:43 on Paolo’s desktop right now and if IF by chance or fate I catch 11:11 tonight, my only wish is that if I am with the person I am meant to be with and who is meant for me, if God lets me cast my wish upon something so unsure, it would be that I will always have the ability to make the person I love happy. Generally happy despite the ups and downs and the winds and twirls. Not so selfish? I would like to believe so.

So 11:11, be good to me. I am foolish and I believe in the unreal but I am only human afterall, and a very weak and girly one at that.

Issa