I Need To Be More Self-Sufficient

My world does not and it shall not revolve around a sole person. And I must always remember never to forget that my dreams are only as big as I allow them to be.

So i shouldn’t let anything hold me back and most of all, I shouldn’t let anyone make me feel less than I am. 

I do what winners do.

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Not Much of Anything

Not much intellectual output on the emotional breakdown that went on from 2:00 o’ clock of this afternoon until late 5:00 today. 

It was really nice to know that I had my mom around to talk to though because technically, this is her fault. LOL.

Sometimes I think it’s stupid that I still get bothered about the fact that I am and always will be an “illegitimate” child. I mean, it is high time that I got used to the stigmas of being “the other child” or “Issa, *blah’s* kid with *blah* before *blah* and *blah*” and not just, “Issa, *blah’s* kid.”

I know other people have it much much worse than I do hence the, not much intellectual output on matter but honestly, sometimes it does suck. A lot.

In conclusion, I told my mom that I never wanted to get married, (which really isn’t a problem on my part because no one in the right mind would want to marry me) and she said something in the context of “who the hell are you trying to fool?” Which is partially true. Aside from success, all I’ve ever wanted was to have my own family. Give someone the chance to have the kind of family I never had and in some ways, know how it felt to be a part of a family that wasn’t avoiding each other or at each others necks.

I guess seeing my ancestors (yeah, ancestors) is and always will be a bitter reminder of my childhood that I have long tried to let go of. I guess I tried to run away from them like I tend to do instead of just embrace it and well, there goes my weakness.

But if I got anything out of that hour long heavy and tearful talk, it was that, I can still fix the things that I am not happy with in my life.

I think I’ll go buy myself a wig. I am currently unhappy with my hair. And the fact that my boyfriend didn’t make me his +1 to a wedding while everyone else did. The award for most thoughtful goes to…

Petty Fears

I tend to do this a lot especially when I’m left alone with my thoughts. I tend to think of all the things that scare me which is never really a good thing. It’s an awful habit, I know and if you are curious about how it feels like- don’t. It leaves you with nightmares and ruins your mornings even before they begin. How I acquired this weak hobby of mine, I don’t recall but I wish to put an end to it.

I used to write A LOT because it helped me process my thoughts easier. It’s different in your head and on paper because on paper (or screen) it’s concrete. If I can see it, I’ll accept it. But if it’s all in my head then expect a hot mess. Or just a mess. Whichever rocks your boat.

So here I am, listing down my petty fears in hopes that when I read this over and over again, I will realize how stupid I am abd maybe then, just MAYBE, we can carry on with our lives and the more important problems..

1. I fear that I will never be good enough.
2. That I will never come to find what I want to do in life.
3. That one day Paolo will wake up and realize that it is not I he wants.
4. That i will die alone.
5. That I will never make my parents proud of me.
6. That I’m goin to turn into an unhappy and ungrateful shmuck.

They really are common and random situational crises that people my age go through everyday but I’ve written them down to lighten the load. Maybe when I go home tonight, I’ll take out my journal (yeah, I keep a journal. Shoot me!) and find remedies to my mental disorder.

This is me, crazy and everything.

FYI: I am currently blogging on my phone and I think technology has really upped it’s game by letting us do this. It’s everything I have EVER dreamed of! 🙂 Yey for technology and yey for free apps!

It’s a lot more convenient to be able to ramble through my mobile when a laptop isn’t available. Also considering that work has blocked ALL my blogs. Thanks, b*tches!

Wednesday (F)lights

Due to a certain change of events, I am home early tonight. And if God couldn’t be kinder, He chose to clear up my schedule on the very night I decided that I wanted to draw a bird. Yes, you heard me right, a bird. It’s not a special bird or a bird that I’ve known of for a while. In all honesty, it’s a picture of a bird I saved off from 9gag. But it’s a cute bird; I’ll give you that- and I do believe that I’ve slowly gained a certain interest in these majestic creatures of flight, often making them my inspiration when trying to design clothes. (Emphasis on the try, people)

So here I am, minutes before eight, plopped on my bed (because I don’t have a table to draw on and that sucks) with my laptop on to keep me from being lonely. I don’t know how most people start when they decide to sketch but when drawing animate objects, I start with the eyes. So there I go, sketching away, having a go at shading and plotting (I’ve never really had any informal or formal education so that explains my weak vocabulary) when I realized that… I cannot draw to save my life.

I know this now because:

1. My little birds’ eyes were not, in any way, proportional. If that bird could move, it would’ve pecked my eyes and snapped my hands off.

2. Any bird with a head as big as the one of my feathered friend and that puny body I etched to match would be at the bottom of the food chain and would seriously hate evolution.

3. Beaks are not my forte. And neither are extremities. Peoples, birds, dogs- snakes. If they had any, I would’ve seriously f*cked that up, too.

4. Anything that is monochrome, duachrome [?!], anything other than technicolor is beyond my God given talents. Unless you think purple, blue and grey could pass as decent substitutes of black (probably, but not in the way I played it).

5. Mostly because, I forgot that when it comes to drawing or life in general, it’s important to pay attention to the bigger picture rather than scrutinize every.single.minute.detail.

I’d like to say that I’m not a quitter but let’s face it, I know a lost cause when I see one. So down went my pens and off went the paper (and into the trash bin) and I found myself sitting on my lumpy bed frustrated, incapable but mostly, sad.

And just like every single time I’m feeling down in the dumps, I like to think of all the things I could’ve done differently or the different ways that I could’ve screwed it up more to avoid doing it again next time. And I guess, in the midst of all that wallowing over a drawing, I came to the realization that:

1. I am not the best and well, maybe I never will be.

2.  People make mistakes but that doesn’t mean we should give up.

3. It takes practice. It takes time. And most of all, it takes patience.

4. If I never tried, I never would have known.

5. I have a very short attention span. I think it’s an undiagnosed case of ADHD. My mom never got me tested so, I guess we will never really know, will we? Haha.

And although I’ve put all my materials in their designated nooks and corners of my room, I am not at loss. See, I’m trying to take this evenings’ epiphany in the most philosophical way possible and somehow apply it to my daily life. I went down wiser, did I not? I’m a winner! *crowd roar*

In some ways, they are all great and I feel like the bomb diggity. But on the other hand, these are things I should’ve already known or at least remembered. But then again- practice, time and patience. I am not perfect, I forget [more than I ought to] and sometimes it takes epically failing to draw a bird to remember that.

Believe me, I could go on and on and on about how the bird is my relationship with Paolo or how it is my job or my mother but I’d rather not. Right now, I’m just going to enjoy the rest of my evening and de-stress myself from my de-stressing stress.

Maybe tomorrow will be a good drawing day. Or next week. Or never, who knows? But at least I learned.

My apologies to all the birds who were offended by this post.