How Do I Feel?

How did I feel when I thought I was?

Scared. Like I wasn’t ready. Like a piece of shit.

How did I feel when I found out I wasn’t?

Sad. Like I actually wanted it. Like a piece of shit.

I never know what I want.

Life From The Back Of A Habal-habal

Everyone is always in such a hurry… that’s basically what’s been on my mind for the past two weeks. This is basically how I knew I has going to start this blog entry. Somehow, I need to figure out how to end it.

I was feeling a bit gloomy lately- without any logical reason to feel that way. I guess it’s a girl thing or my unending feeling of “uncontentment” [it’s not a word, I know.] or maybe it’s because I like to create drama in my life. Maybe it’s all those things.

I felt for a while that maybe it was because I had grown tired of my routine: work on weekdays, province on weekends and maybe something interesting would pop up in between. It occurred to me that maybe I was not getting the most out of life and maybe I just needed to get more out there… which to my surprised happened to be a night adventure at the back of a habal- habal. [I’ll think up of the most random shit when I’m “weird”]

Sure it was pure chance, sure it wasn’t premeditated… sure I had a choice NOT to get on that damn thing. But I sure as hell did it and traumatic thoughts and stories aside, I’m glad I did it.

Here’s what happened: I rode a habal-habal [motorcycle] at 9:30 in the evening from Badian to Car-car. That’s an hour and thirty minutes away and believe me, it felt longer.

I did it because it was new, I did it because I felt like I needed a sense of adventure, I did it because I was stupid but mostly, I did it because I wanted to go home. It was a long and scary ride/ drive because 1. I’m not from any of these places and 2. don’t be stupid, you know why it’s scary! lol

Looking back on it now, I probably wouldn’t do it again. I would not spend P400.00 on a machine of death, no siree. But I would do it again for the sky. I’d do it again so I can be scared and unsure. I’d do it again to feel those emotions, look up to a sky full of stars and feel… at peace. I wish there was a more dramatic way to say it. You had to be there!

Because everyone really is in such a hurry these days and it’s the rush, the hustle and the bustle that scares me. It’s that feeling that what if the whole world is rushing, moving forward, succeeding and here I am floating that pressures me. And I feel this way all the time, I guess I’ll keep¬†feeling this way for a long time. And I know the fighter in me is gonna want to keep up and so I shall persist but I know I will always have the sky.

I just made you read 500 words about looking up. you fool.