Airport thoughts

Delayed flight, crappy day with a little consolation since I won some money at the Casino. This weekend made me do a lot of thinking and I’m beginning to think that maybe 3 days just wasn’t enough.

Maybe I just don’t know what I want… I Never know what I want.

A Real Man

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A Real Man buys your napkins for you when you’ve suddenly gotten your period and you’re too cramped to move.

Thank you, I love you. Dinner is on me

Little Dreams

If it ever happens, take me to a church on top of a hill- I would need to thank God for giving you the patience to still be with me.

If it ever happens, please have my mom and papa there. I don’t care about guests and gifts- you are the best gift and they are the most important guests.

If it ever happens, please don’t make me cut the cake; wear something blue and borrowed; throw a bouquet in the air or kiss to clinks of dinnerware- we are not that couple and that’s what I love about us. Let’s feed each other steaks, let me wear your favorite deodorant, let’s throw out every misconception we’ve heard about marriage and let’s kiss under the moonlight. Don’t we save soo much money that way?

If it ever happens, promise me you won’t have pre wedding day jitters. You’ve been with me for so long, why would a forever scare you?

If it ever happens, I hope we can just take each other in the hand and walk our way into it like we were walking towards our favorite restaurant- we always look forward to going there and even when it’s not always the best experience, we wouldn’t mind going back and giving it another try..

As much as I’d hate it, I’ll wear a white dress I know you’d like because you’ve always said white was my best color. You can wear a shirt and your ripped jeans that I hate, for all I care. You are marrying me. You are taking me. You are promising not to leave me even if there were so many times I’ve made you want to. You are promising to love me through thick and thin and you honestly deserve to do what ever the hell you want.

If it ever happens, I’m going to have a speech for you whether you like it or not. I’m going to tell you the things that I love about you and the things that I hate which I know are the things I cannot live without. I’m going to let the most beautiful words that I have ever spoke run out of my mouth and it won’t even matter if there’s anyone there to see it.

If it ever happens, let’s travel places near and far. I would like to love you in the outbacks, on a trek, under the heat of the blazing sun or under the sheets on an ice cold day. I want to love you with the flu, in complete ecstasy- I would want to love you even when I cannot love myself which is mostly 99.9% of the time.

If it ever happens, let’s make a home that is always filled with flowers and the fridge is always full. You will never love my cooking but I will always love yours so I’ll keep the fridge full for as long as you’re in charge of our stomachs. Let’s have friends over and tell them about our travels, explain why we skimped out on a fancy party but that they’re always allowed to give us gifts anyways.

If it ever happens, let’s have dogs and cats and goats and chickens. I’ll have a little vegetable garden and I’ll cook you breakfast [which you probably won’t like either] with your favorite coffee and the morning paper. I’ll kiss you in the morning and I’ll be the daintiest thing you’ve ever seen. I’ll be so happy. And most importantly, I’ll make you happy.

But if it never happens, I guess that’s still ok. At least I’ve dreamed it so I never really have to wonder what it would really be like. At least I know what kind of life I would’ve wanted to live out of the thousands of lives I would have wanted to live and I saved my favorite version of life with you.

Words

I have always tried to be careful with my words

because I know what kind of damage they can inflict

Words stain your skin and leave a mark in your soul

And with me,

The bad always kills to me to the core

But what good is my caution when I never get what I give?

For A.E.

I wanted to be the one thing different in your life- the one thing that set you apart.

I wanted people to look at you and hate you because for as long as I was in your arms, I could never be in anyone else’s.

I wanted to be so much to you.

But I am slowly learning that want and wanted are two very different things.