Flowers

I keep having emotional lapses where I’m happy and then I am overcome with a great sadness that eventually reverts back to happiness. Is that weird? I have always been known to be weird… and slightly emotionally unstable. Haaay, Issa… you shit.

But it’s mostly when I’m driving with the windows down or whenever the sunlight hits my face or when I’m just sitting in silence by myself.

I am happy because I have made it this far, I am happy because I lived another day, I lived to tell the story.

The sun always makes me feel alive and I am grateful to be able to feel it piercing my skin. The wind doesn’t blow the way it used to- now I blow with it instead of against it and I finally feel like I am blowing in the right direction.

I hear the birds chirp now, the dogs bark, babies crying and it makes me feel alive.

But at the same time, it makes me extremely sad because there are still parts of me that are dead.

I grieve over the months (or perhaps years) I have spent dying and being dead. I cry over the parts of me that forgot to stay alive because I fear that I may never be able to bring those parts of me back to life.

I cry because I have died a million deaths and in each death, I recognize my killer.

But I know that the sun will keep shining and we all need the sun to make us grow… but I won’t blossom into the same plant. Hopefully, I will be more beautiful than the weed I turned out to be.

D [ANGER] BDA

I am not mad at you and I never will be

Because let’s face it, we were great together

If anything, I am mad at myself

Because I let you walk all over me

And when we weren’t great, we were terrible

And I always let you get the best of me.

 

 

I can never be mad at you

Because for the most part, I am mad at myself

I am so mad at the things I never said,

For things I never got &

For asking for the kind of love you could never give me.

 

I will never be mad at you

Even when I am screaming and telling you to get away from me

Even if you are not with me

Because I will always be mad at myself

For asking for too much, for loving someone who could not love me

For driving myself here

 

But fuck it,

Maybe I am mad at you

Because you fucking broke me.

 

I can’t even finish this.

Come On, Vamonos!

Mu laag gyud ko. Mu sakay ko ug bus, malagpot kos moal boal kay kibaw ko nindot ang dagat didto. Mu tulog kos balas, tapad ko ug ukoy, magpalumos kos mga serena sa kadagatan. Mag star gazing ko, magpahimos kos akong kinabuhi… Kay ako na si Dora. 😂

Ugh. Boang

Depression [ABDA]

I am no longer sad so consider this a late post because I am no longer capable of crying over the things that I can no longer change.

I cannot take the years back,

I cannot make someone love me and I will never ask them to,

I cannot change my mistakes,

I cannot unlove you

and I guess that’s OK.

 

But let it be known to all that I am OK. Not in total parts but in the parts that matter. Now I can wake up, get myself out of bed, not look miserable, talk to people and mean it when I say “I’m going to be ok.”

The worst parts are over now.

 

 

God you are so good

That despite my suffering, you have provided for me

You never fail

 

Why

Do

I

Talk

Like

This?

 

Warning

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Do not fall in love with people like me.

I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments,

and kiss you in every beautiful place,

so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth.

 

I will love you too much and love you too hard,

So that you will never find someone quite like me.

So that you will always compare the next person to me.

So that even when I’m gone, you will still be thinking about me.

 

I will turn every mundane task into an adventure

so you cannot go through them without my ghost in the background

I will change your life so much 

so that when you finally remember me, it will be your most painful, haunting memory

 

I will love you and not tell you what to do 

Because loving me should be easy

and it is in  your forgetting that I will remember

to never love someone else more than I love myself.

 

Do not fall in love with people like me,

Because I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible

And when I leave,

you will finally understand,

why storms are named after people.

 

** i added the italicized parts. I have always loved this bit and I felt like I had to make it my own

Look At Us Now

Look at what we’ve turned into

Both broken pieces lying on the floor

I don’t know you

As much as you do not know me

And it is such a sad place to be

They are such sad things to feel

But the saddest thing is that we cannot heal each other

Not anymore

 

I am so sorry for what I have done to us

But I know that I cannot lie

Because I was such a liar

I lied to myself and in the process I lied to you

But I lied because I loved you

I love you

But I cannot love you the same way

 

Look at what I’ve done to us

I’ve turned all our little dreams and turned them into nightmares

Ghosts that will haunt us at night

And will eventually lead us numb

Because I am so flawed, so ugly, so scared

Never good enough for you or for anyone else

 

Please look at us now and know that we won’t be like this for long

We will OK, not together, but at least OK

You will love again, maybe not with me, but you will love

And your nightmares will be dream comes true

fairy tales, perfect romance novels, wedding tales,

And we will be friends

who shared the best times of our lives together

At one point

But not anymore

If You Want More Love, Why Don’t You Say So?

I am falling in love with things I never knew I could love before

 

warm vanilla lotion

the scent of lavender

candles by the shower

being alone

climbing mountains

swimming seas

walking roads

living a hundred thousand lives

being honest with myself

speaking my mind

actually listening to my gut

never being attached to anyone

every single possibility in the book

 

And most of all… life

 

I am so thirsty (metaphorically)

I was in a room

And it was big and dark and empty

it was a lot like me

 

and there was nowhere to go

because I didn’t even know where I wanted to be

and that is what broke me

 

I cannot be a little girl anymore.