I keep having emotional lapses where I’m happy and then I am overcome with a great sadness that eventually reverts back to happiness. Is that weird? I have always been known to be weird… and slightly emotionally unstable. Haaay, Issa… you shit.
But it’s mostly when I’m driving with the windows down or whenever the sunlight hits my face or when I’m just sitting in silence by myself.
I am happy because I have made it this far, I am happy because I lived another day, I lived to tell the story.
The sun always makes me feel alive and I am grateful to be able to feel it piercing my skin. The wind doesn’t blow the way it used to- now I blow with it instead of against it and I finally feel like I am blowing in the right direction.
I hear the birds chirp now, the dogs bark, babies crying and it makes me feel alive.
But at the same time, it makes me extremely sad because there are still parts of me that are dead.
I grieve over the months (or perhaps years) I have spent dying and being dead. I cry over the parts of me that forgot to stay alive because I fear that I may never be able to bring those parts of me back to life.
I cry because I have died a million deaths and in each death, I recognize my killer.
But I know that the sun will keep shining and we all need the sun to make us grow… but I won’t blossom into the same plant. Hopefully, I will be more beautiful than the weed I turned out to be.