Magnolia

You can usually tell how I’m feeling by the music I choose to listen to in the morning. today, I’ve got John Mayer on while listing down groceries and what I have to do for the day. 

Coffee, TP, eggs, sandwich ham.

Meeting, proposals, respond to emails.

Yesterday I settled for Paramore and either it was mere timing or I just can’t listen to blaring music anymore but I was angsty and my head was aching the entire day.

Woke up, bitched at Facebook, bitched at Twitter, slept all day.

You’re watching TV in the living room in front of me. We don’t talk in the mornings most because I’m never awake in the mornings and I know you can get cranky. I’ll try in a little bit but you’re still soo pretty to watch and I can watch you all day.

I could write an entire collection about you. Just about you.

A Year Later…

I am by nature a very sentimental person and therefore I find value in the smallest of things- like anniversaries of moving back home after 2 years, not getting accepted for a visa, you asking me to get back together after having breaking my heart, etc.

There is so much for me to celebrate and be grateful for this year basically, because I survived the last. I survived it and a year later, we’re moving into our 2nd place in the city, I am giving workshops (whether or not people see me fit for it), I am 1/4 ambassadors for this season’s sale (wow) and I just gave you a print out explaining why I was mad at you last night. I am so extra, I know.

A year ago, I remember sitting down, broken hearted on the kitchen table wondering if this was the best my life was going to get and as I look back, I realize how little I thought of myself back them. I thought that I was just going to move back and somehow, finally fit into the mold of what I what people expected me to be. I thought, well, I fucked up so much already- let’s not disappoint the masses- but I was so wrong. So pleasantly wrong.

And so to sum everything up (because call time is at 10 and it is now 9:15), I am extremely grateful to the universe for putting me where I had to be exactly when I had to be there. It is truly in the darkness where we find ourselves and all those other shit people say which is absolutely poetic and stupid at the same time.

It absolutely hurts to remember the hurt sometimes but I like to think that the hurt is good every once in a while especially when we forget to be grateful or loving or grateful. or grateful. I hate remembering these things but I have to but I try my best to do with a happy heart these days.

Happy moving back to Cebu anniversary, Issa. Remember all the things you were so scared of before? well, they’re not so scary anymore.

in the grander scheme of things, you’d know that when I’m mad I like to walk around aimlessly- to anywhere, nowhere wondering myself where.

in the grander scheme of things, you’d find me and know what was wrong because you were the wrong and you’d know how to make it right.

in the grander scheme of things. I like that line. I thought about it while I was walking down dangerous roads wondering if you’d ever show up.

but instead you were laying flat faced on the bed waiting for me to come home. because I always fucking come home.

Dear Irene

You’ve been popping up a lot of my memories lately- photos, banters, an exchange of good conversations and the like.

I always wonder what would’ve happened if the worse never happened- what kind of things we would do, passions we would turn into projects and burgers we would eat like we said but never really got to.

I think about you quite often even if we weren’t childhood friends or kabarkada. You were always someone who I looked up to and a lot of good memories I have were because of you. And so dear friend, I am always mourning for you.

I wanted to leave a comment on a beautiful memory but I knew you wouldn’t reply so I left it as what it was- a memory. But I were to, it would’ve been along the lines of “I MISS THIS! Let’s do it again soon!” as you would eagerly reply to with, “YES! When I’m back in Cebu!”

That’s the thing with memories- sometimes they haunt you and sometimes they leave you missing for things you never really knew you had.

I hope you’re doing fine wherever you are. I hope you found what you were looking for. And I hope in your passing, you knew that I was always your friend.

You are always missed.

I am so incredibly tormented by the thoughts that I have when I am not controlling them. The dreams I have trouble waking up from. That constant nagging fear and obsession with trying to figure out why they are what they are and where they’re coming from.

I am afraid to close my eyes. I am suddenly so afraid of a million things and I don’t know where they are coming from.

Guess Where I Found Myself Today…

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I am so blessed, I have no reason whatsoever to compare & complain.

Thank you, Lord, for my voice/ my thoughts that you think are worthy for others to hear, for the endless opportunities and for constantly making my life better.

A year ago, I was praying for a better life- you gave me more than I deserve.

Thank you.